Saturday, 22 April 2017

Fireworks

There was something amazing about the day I finished placement. (Did I tell you I hated it?) I felt free and I felt so grateful I was able to walk around without worrying about going home to prepare for my next shift. There was some new found magic in the air and I felt like I was walking on water. But without this experience I don't think the moment I finished would've been as amazing as it was. It honestly felt like a bazillion fireworks going off and I was dancing with joy. Maybe there's a lesson in it, some gratitude I need to obtain in all of these horrid encounters with people because things happen for a reason. Maybe that's one of the reasons.

Maybe.

Wasalaam

Wednesday, 12 April 2017

Being single

I have been thinking about something. Recently I feel my time is useless like I'm not using my time as good as I could be. I watched How to be single yesterday (yes you do have to skip alot of the scenes) and throughout the whole movie she is hell-bent on finding a guy and she goes through different guys wondering why it didn't work out and I was kinda sucked in too thinking damn why can't she find a guy, but then she had this epiphany where she decided she would focus on herself and she started doing more like going to the gym and cycling and all sorts of cool stuff, honestly it was empowering just to see that change in her. And it inspired me aswell, not that I'm looking for a guy just to do more with my life, at the end of the day we control our lives, how we feel so what's the point of being sad or moping around. Let's be active!  I have to say I really enjoyed the movie, I thought it was a good movie and realistic aswell.

So to help be more active I created a timetable for myself. Just a basic timetable with the days and hours. This helps me realise all the things I want to do and when I can fit it in. Ive been reading that successful people wake up at 5 and get a ton of stuff done before others are even awake. And heck I want to try it out!

I think we all get a bit down in the dumps (I think it's happens to me more often) but we can all get out of it! For me I'm a practical person so timetables and lists always help me organise my brain.

But I think even in Islam it's good to engage yourself in activities and keep your brain occupied. Not only physically but intellectually aswell.

Well I'm feeling rather hungry. So I'll see you with the results in a few weeks.

Sunday, 2 April 2017

Capturing my heart

I've been watching 13 reasons why on Netflix. It's been an interesting journey of suicidal thoughts and the teenage angst in high school. I feel enlightened to a certain degree (bearing in mind it is for entertainment) I feel like the message Hannah passes on to Clay is very similar to the one Virginia Woolf wrote to her husband before she committed suicide. I can't help but feel there's so much tragic beauty to these notes, so much beautiful poetry. I've always said there's so much beauty to sadness. 

      But you need to be here if I’m going to tell           my story. If I’m going to explain why I did what I did. Because you aren’t every other guy — you’re different. You’re good. And kind. And decent. And I didn’t deserve to be with someone like you. I never would. I would’ve ruined you. It was me and everything that’s happened to me."

(13 reasons why: Hannah's message to Clay )

       Dearest,

       You have given me the greatest possible            happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don’t think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I can’t fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can’t even write this properly. I can’t read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that – everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer.

I feel certain I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can’t concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do

I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been.

(Virginia Woolf's Suicide letter)

Wednesday, 29 March 2017

Dealing with numbness

So what I've come to realise is that over time sins that may be minor or major, if done over a period of time become less and less wrong in our eyes. However we justify it to ourselves ultimately the guilt erodes. Now I'm not saying this is acceptable however I am saying it happens. You can deal with it in different ways this is how I've been dealing with it. Ideally we shouldn't repeat the sin but for some it's hard and it becomes a sort of addiction.

First of all identify in your head it's wrong. And reprimand yourself.

Second of all, erase all resources to this sin. It's important to stay away from it even if you don't feel guilty. Continue to stay away and strive to do good deeds.

Lastly remind yourself of the punishments of this particular sin.

It might also be helpful to try and become closer to God in general. Make more effort to practise your Deen and gain closeness to Allah.

Thick enough?

I never realised how important it is to develop a thick skin. Not only is thick skin important for healing and when you get older ;) it's also important when experiencing life. I was watching a documentary about Michael Jackson the other day and continuously people would say he failed to develop a thick skin which resulted in his obsession with how others viewed him, he had a childlike mentality that didn't understand the world of the media where every action is scrutinized.  (I'm not discounting his alleged crimes of paedophilia that's a seperate story).

Ultimately his obsession to become the world's greatest artist drove him mad and drove him to depresion and insecurity. I don't think I can fully say I understand Michael Jackson but I can say this, he was extremely unique and talented but with this came his oddness;his bizarre obsession with children for one and his lack of ability to comprehend the world.

When I was watching this documentary I wondered to myself how much of a thick skin I have. Was I danger of becoming like MJ? I severely doubt it. But it's opened my eyes to the danger of being too weak and too fragile, it's important to experience harsh realities and learn how to deal with it. I feel that the placement I just finished helped me to do this.

This particular placement was by no means a walk in the park. I wish. It made me cry and honestly made me doubt my entire life. But it changed how I viewed things, life as sad as it is to say, will not be easy, I've come to accept this and I hope it can help me to my journey in helping others to realise this too.

The reason why I think it's important others learn this, is otherwise we fall into the danger of victimization and blaming the world, when in reality we need to change our perspective and toughen up.