Some may ask, wasn't your confidence knocked when you were told you weren't good enough?
Doesn't it make you wary of future meetings?
The simple answer is no.
No because I never had much confidence to begin with.
It's the first Eid I havent in a long time been to Eid prayer at the mosque, this time I prayed it at home.
It's also the first time I went to the cemetery on Eid. I went to visit my Dad. It's weird seeing a slab stone with his name- what's funny is we couldn't find it and we found another stone with his name but the age was wrong and the date of his death, it's funny how two people can die with the same names and different times and mean so much to different people. It's funny how I stared at the stone trying to make more of my Dad than just words written down, than just letters that make up his name, and numbers that make up his age, and everything and nothing that makes up the memory of him.
It seems like the memory of him is a distant memory eventhough it was last year he was alive. Why does it feel like he didn't really exist? Why does it feel like he vanished? It was last year he wanted to talk to me, it was last year I was doing nursing, it was last year I had a breakdown. So many lasts but so many firsts this year.
It's been 6 months and25 days since he died. And in three days it'll be 7months.
7 whole months. And yet it feels so normal like nothing has happened. I feel like an Eid well spent is an Eid that you have wondered upon, where you remember or where you appreciate. I appreciate you Dad. And I love you.
Life takes us through so many hurdles, so many journeys so many discoveries of ourselves. Do we ever just sit and think about how we came to be the person that we are now?
I know I have been through a whirlwind of different personalities, different phases, feelings, thoughts, dreams. However I have remained somewhat constant- what I admire about myself is that I believe in myself (not necessarily my abilities) but I believe and support my actions regardless, and ... I'm glad I have strong principles, I guess it makes me who I am. Despite what I've had to sacrifice for them.
Over the years I've always wondered who I'd be. In fact when I was younger I would dream of how I would be when I was older. (Older being past 20's)
I'd imagine I would magically transform into this strong, independent, accomplished woman. And it would somehow come to be at this magical transition to adulthood. Oh how I would tell myself it's not that simple. Life is not that simple. We never lose ourselves as we get older, as much we change and grow there's always a little part of us that remains young and inspired, young and naive, young and childish. I have changed in a better more positive way. I've realised many things which I want to share with you now. First of all:
If you believe in something, religious or non religious, if you believe it's right then stick to it. Personally I'm glad I've stuck to what I believe in, makes me feel confident in my beliefs.
Second, never ever. Ever. Let someone tell you who you are, what you are, don't let someone put you down. As many faults we as humans have, no one has the right to make us feel bad about it (to an extent they may, if for example you did something horrendous like beat someone up) especially if you are working on it yourself. What I'm trying to say is, love yourself dear, love yourself like noone else ever could. Damn, I went through so much self-hate and low self esteem because of other people, I don't want anyone else to go through that.
Surround yourself in positivity and positive people who encourage, support and love you for you.
Find out what you like. What I've learnt over these few years is that things I always dismissed by saying 'thats not me' or 'im not that kinda person' but never really trying has made me miss so many wonderful opportunities! Girl, or boy, you don't know what you like! Not yet, we always grow, give it a go! I always thought I wasn't a fundraising kinda girl, but I realised I don't like the boring money bucket raising and I don't really like interacting with other volunteers all the time, but that is exactly why fundraising challenges were the right path for me! I am in control of it and it's a fun way to raise money for great causes! Same with my mental health nursing, I always knew I liked mental health but I didn't know anything about nursing, I'm glad I did it, I learnt more about mental health and it made me less ignorant ALHAMDULILAH for less ignorance in the world #fightignorancelikeitsyourenemy my point is don't write things off. Please for your own growth don't ever write things perhaps even people.
If you get down easily, let's say you're in depression right now. What I've learnt about myself is, I get down easily, I get demotivated easily. When we want motivation we should take SMALL steps to our goals. Small steps are the best. They ease you in to the goal. Always start small. Finding it difficult to wake up before noon, set your alarm five to ten minutes earlier. And increase every day. You can do it! I personally am demotivated right now in this phase of life.
I like to read so I encourage as much reading as I can, and I also like fundraising so I'm planning to do more of that. I guess I'm trying to help myself slowly. Eventhough my body is saying faster faster mentally im feeling foggy, so im taking it slow.
Generally I'm a solitary person with my biggest companion being myself. I find most people don't understand me. I do have a rare friend that really gets me. She's great. I wish I could see her more. But most people don't get me. So I guess I become very sarcastic and horrid (in my head) towards others, yes it's not great , yes I should change that, you try being in a world where no one understands you, it sucks ok!
Anyway my point is, there is a point I swear! Even if you aren't a solitary person find comfort in yourself and if you are cherish and nurture your own company, reason being so you can rely less on others and achieve your own dreams.
I didn't realise I had so many dreams that relied on other people. Like the movie how to be single showed, we shouldn't rely on someone else. For me, I've always wanted to drive to the beach when no one else is around and just be hypnotized by the sea.
I want to hike more often up mountains, and run marathons (for charities) and swim better. I want to volunteer abroad and read more, learn more! I want to write more and publish my work inshaAllah. I want to impact people in any way, small or big, I want my life to have meaning to those around me. I want to dispel my own stereotypes and rid my own ignorance, I want to be more, I want to be better.
So you know what I want to do, and maybe you should think about what you want to do! I'm taking driving lessons inshaAllah my dreams, slowly but surely they'll come true, with my own help.
I guess with me, I love being in awe, being grateful (not that I am always) and learning about myself. Recently I've discovered I'm a lot more jealous, anti-social, ignorant, possessive than I thought I was. I also have plans on becoming a better me rid of these (hopefully as least of them as possible please!) Qualities.
I have so much to learn from others, I have realised that too. How to be, how to react, in a way that's understanding and loving. I always say this to myself as a joke, but you guys can hear seeing as I love you guys, inside my head I always say 'im everyone's mother, obviously with me I'm either super loving to people (you can't always see it overtly) or I'm a super hater. I have issues, deal with it.
But most of the time I care a lot about everyone around me (excuse the ones who are not willing to change, if for example they committed a crime ) and I always pray for them in my head. I guess I'm more of a 11yr old mother to everyone. In the sense that I have mood swings with my so-called-children.
It's not meant to be weird btw. It's just something I say to myself when I fret about people. One time I think a guy was crossing on the road and he nearly got hit by a car and I was like 'what is he doing! Doesn't he know I'm so worried!' and then I laughed to myself thinking I'm everyone's mother.
Okay excuse my weirdness. Anyway those are some things I've learnt. I'm unemployed right now. Looking for work. Yup. I'm not unhappy though I'm content. Alhamdulilah.
That was random. This blog has evolved have you realised? I used to be so strict with my topics and not personal information etc. But please you guys are my readers, you need to know me to love me! (Psyche!)
Anyway I'm off, assalamualaikum .
I just finished reading Finding Colin Firth and I cannot tell you how amazing this book is! Mia March is definitely a gem of a writer who needs to write more! I've realised Stephen King and Mia March both come from Maine where their stories are usually set. I feel like I know Maine better, if I were ever to go there. I've gotta tell you Maine seems like a warm and loving place, a absolutely wonderful place for a vacation.
This book by the title might make you think it's just another romance book to toss aside, think again folks! This book is more than just romance, it's inspiring, it looks at three characters lives' and their very real problems and how they deal with them, I wouldn't say it's completely realistic because reality is different for everyone but it made me think about life in a different way, made me feel more hope, certainly made me love pie more! One of the characters is an amazing Baker and she even puts a recipe down, if not for the book, atleast take the recipe!
All jokes aside, I rarely come across a book thats so inspiring and hopeful, with three beautifully strong women, it's a feel good book and I guess I read it at a point where I needed to feel good.
With me, I usually read books to escape my own problems, sometimes for entertainment, to pass time, this time I was looking for a book to relate to. I related to these characters, to their hopes, dreams, realities in ways I didn't expect. And I'm so glad I read this book, it is definitely a favourite of mine, and I don't declare such favouritism easily. Stephen King took some time to get there! (And that's Stephen King,yo). Its been a long time since I've had the urge to continue a book into the night, and I'm glad Mia it was yours.
So I made a decision recently. And to this day I'm still unsure of whether it was the right one. That's the thing isn't it? How do you know that this path is the right path? That this is the path of good and great things? I guess you don't. You just take risks and carve a way out for yourself.
God. I love it. I love not knowing what's going on it's so different and unconventional and daring. In a world where rules govern society isn't it amazing to forget them? To live freely? To forget what others expect and just jump off that cliff? I went to climb Mount Snowdon the other day and it was o beautiful and refreshing and I thought wht if life could just be about living these experiences and being in awe of life and the nature that surrounds us?
Some may think it's an excuse that I'm just lazy and I'll say anything to excuse getting out of hard work. Which if I'm honest you might be right. But so what, as long as I live ,I want my life to be about happiness and contentment and focusing on things that are important to me. I don't want to live my life regretting the time I wasted, or the career that died when I died. I guess you could say I had some sort of an epiphany.
I left university, that's the big thing. And my tutor had a go at me, she was hella annoyed. Oh well. I need time to focus on God and my spirituality, I think I need my whole life for it. Not just a little bit of time. I don't want sadness and yeah it might be that I can learn to adapt and manage life better but I trust my instincts and I know when things aren't working. I know God wanted me to do Mental Health Nursing and I'm sorry for not being able to impact people with mental health issues it might not be the time for me.
I felt like I was going against my fate when I did istikhara twice for this and both times I felt positive signs and dreams to stay in it, and now I've left. But ive come to realise it might not be that it was my fate forever it might have been my fate for a while. I'm not sure, as for fate if I've left have I altered my fate to a bad one? If I had stayed would it have been a better one?
I have absolutely no clue. And I suppose there's no point in thinking about it either. I've been reading more. I feel better.