Friday, 6 October 2017

Bookin'dot yeah

Hey you know what I realised? If there's something you wanna do, something you might be interested in but you're not quite sure where to start or maybe it's all quite overwhelming to even start it, try reading about it!

Now hang on, let me finish.
I've always loved running but I stopped a few years ago then I read Haruki Murakami's what I talk about when I talk about running- as soon as I read the blurb it ignited my previous passion for running. Don't get me wrong I didn't start running immediately, it was a few months after I got into it then I stopped but I eventually returned and I can honestly say it was that book+ my passion. I just felt so inspired by it and deep down I knew I was a runner that needed to run eventually.

But in between I guess I just liked reading sports memoirs because I found them interesting to learn about but it definitely helped me somewhere in my subconscious to push myself aswell! I'm doing that with writing too, I've been reading how to write books and it's helped me write a bit more because I've never been good with story writing I'm more of a poetry gal, but I know deep down I can write a story it may take forever but I have that time.

I suppose it doesn't even have to be books even attending classes about it too,  my local library do free writing classes (which I always end up missing :/) but its good to do research like you would in anything you go into. Now in the back of my head I want to start a business but I don't think I could do it now, so I'm going to read up on it first see if it's a viable route. I also like learning about how people become successful. Basically in an attempt to become a better me, I read etc. About it.

I want to be more confident - read about it maybe go to life coaching
I want to be a better runner or even run a half marathon - read about it! Watch documentaries!
You get the gist. I suppose just apply it to your own individual situation. What do you want to do? In a way it's also about realising your passion. I never knew I liked running so much but the fact it was always there in my head obviously meant something. It's the same with writing a book even though I'm rubbish with committing to it, its always there. What's deep down in your head that is reminding you it's your passion?

I know not everyone works like this, it depends if you learn better like this. It helps me process things better, I know some people who are super confident could just do it and probably succeed but I guess I'm not like that. Its about knowing yourself too I suppose. In any case knowledge is always invaluable.

See how it goes. Try it out and see for yourself if it works for you.

Sunday, 1 October 2017

im scared

i feel kind of scared.
thats why i keep running.
i keep leaving everywhere i settle down
i dont want to be scared
but its ingrained within me
somewhere in my mind
when it seems like i might not be able to stay
when it seems like i cant 
i know i should run
and i listen
because i cant
keep continuing
yes im running with the doubt
i just believe it so easily
i keep falling for its lies
and i just leave easily
like i was never there
i dont want to carry it anymore
i dont want to be the burden
you're not

it's me 
the perpetual dissappointment
im sure it would be nice to talk about me to others
and say im doing something great with my life
 only im not
so theres not much to say about me and the only thing you can say is
im unemployed
suddenly all other things about me fly away
and theyve flown far up into the sky its so distant 
what a weird situation
no one cares about the other stuff
i didnt either

its great isnt it
to feel better than others
to feel greater
makes you feel high up on the clouds
makes you feel like youre doing so well
i get it

how could you?

its good to change
what a hypocritical thing to say

anyway im sorry for not being able to make you proud to be related to me
im sorry im not normal
im sorry for not being more loving
im sorry for not being like others
doing good things
doing things that arent weird
im sorry for not fitting in
i guess im just sorry for being me. 

i forgot i loved you

I think I forgot what I used to love in the midst of all the confusion to who I am. In a world where so many expectations and pressures are thrown towards us is it anyone wonder we all are scared to think differently?I'm not an exception-I'm afraid to be different too. Sometimes I'm a bit of an impostor
I want to be this unconventional different kind of a girl and I end up being more conformed than I wanted.


Well I'm a bit afraid to talk about what I really believe in because sometimes I have to check myself to see if that's what I really believe in and it's not something I say to make excuses for myself,no i mustn't be too hard on myselfI've had enough of it for now
I think my mental health may play a part in stopping me from doing things I want to but it's okay because me MH have agreed on a few things and although I'm not expecting any roses on valentines day, its better to be friends with my enemy than against it. So like I already said on IV my battle plans are ready.

What I mean by talking about what I believe in is, as you know I left university and then i got a job! which i also left...
That was mainly because of my mental health and recently I havent been very stable in my mental health to return to work. But im taking it slow. In any case my unemployment does not bother me as much as it seems to bother others. I wonder why. Some people just find it weird. yes its also obviously my own insecurity in a world where working is so normal so satisfying how do i explain that 1. i cant handle it 2. im still trying to figure out what i want from life 3. i have a few things that make me happy that doesnt include working right now, maybe it will change. maybe it wont. who knows. 4. i like doing meaningful charity things 
all in a conversation that began with ' so what are you doing? working or studying?'
unfortunately there's no option that covers that complexity of my situation dear society.

and i dont particularly like opening up to every random individual that most likely does not have any interest. so i usually say im looking for work or that im volunteering and doing charity work which is half true, the second part anyway. I have looked at job listings but not applied so its kind of true, and theres no conditions for trueness if its somewhat true i guess ill have to make the conditions as it being 'true'.
if anyone has a different defintion let me know and i may consider it. may.
notice how i havent been correcting the capital letter anymore in my writing, it looks better to me but i didnt want to annoy anyone. be annoyed.

the reason why i think i forgot what i love is because ive been so caught up in my mental health which im pretty sure most of my family dont get. but it doesnt bother me too much. noone really understand my mind, sometimes i dont. so i dont think anyone has a fair shot im afraid.
anyhow i like running so i want to continue running laps i did start then i stopped because my mp3 wouldnt charge. plan is to fix it.
i like cycling too. and sudoku. i like you too. so i want to be on here more. 
i also like my garden alot. 

have you read catcher in the rye? its a really different kind of book. try it you might like it.

Sunday, 17 September 2017

Double take

What I've realised recently is that when you watch/read something twice you get a better understanding and a whole new perspective. I watched two of my favourite dramas like three times (I loved them so much) and I understood the drama so much better, parts that I didn't understand were much clearer and I got a better idea of the characters and their intentions. This is true with books too, I've never read a book twice but when I've read a surah more than once I do have different feelings and I can get more meaning from it too. So why don't you try it? Read/watch something you love and see if you can get more from it.

The two dramas were: Master's Sun & King of High School

The Surah: Surah Mulk

REVISED: Kdrama Addicts


If you haven't read the Kdrama addiction post ( it might be hard to understand the references I make in this post- if you want to you can look at it otherwise just figure it out. I know previously I have said watching Kdramas are bad and blah blah, but as I've matured and I am not so addicted I can say it's not a bad influence anymore because it's taught me things. Initially I felt insecure by Korean beauty standards but now I think I feel more secure in myself because I know I'm happy with my race, my beauty and where I come from. I think I can happily admire and appreciate Korean Culture without it affecting my self confidence. I think that has come from a place where I've learnt how to be grateful for everything and work on my love for myself. Also I've come to love cheesy clichés, I know I've said I didn't like it in the past, but Japanese cliches seem to really be a favourite of mine, I think that's because I like the stereotypical shy awkward girl (I'm a real life version of that, that's probably why), I can relate to her and as silly as it sounds seeing that others people in the dramas/movies like that makes me think that people will like me in all my weirdness.

I've also become better with how often I watch Kdramas or any sort of east Asian drama, I like watching them but I'm not obsessed anymore, I think I have more self control now. So for any Kdramas addicts out there who under my advice cut themselves off from Kdramas, hurrah!

I think it's good to be interested in some things like dramas, sometimes fangirling can be fun too. Although I don't really do that anymore, I don't really fangirl over anyone.