Saturday, 26 December 2015

I'm changing

I'm beginning to see that it's not that hard to change, well it is and it isn't..

What I mean is, comparing myself a couple of months ago and now, a lot has changed in terms of my mentality and my positivity.

But I cannot say it was easy, at first even I was stumped at how I did it. Because I had tried(as you know) many times to become closer to God and failed on numerous occasions ( in my eyes) but alhamdulilah alhamdulilah I've been getting closer to it than ever before, and I realised its a lot to do with my actual faith in God not only do I need tawaqul (rememberance) of God but I also need to do this in action.

And this. This is so important I think I forgot the different/the line/ the actuality of the situation I kept confusing my laziness, etc. and so on with my own personality and every time I did something I myself didn't approve of I wouldn't correct myself which in the past I would, it's so important to mould the Islamic personality to whatever degree you think is right (I personally have a certain view of how to behave and I like to mould myself around that) and NOT think hey that's me, because no it's not, it's your nafs it's the little Shaytan making excuses, you know him ...

There two things I've noticed, and it's helped me a lot. I've been through a low phase a period where I was ashamed of myself and a period where I did not feel close to God whatsoever astaghfirullah a time when rememberance of God disinterested me, wasn't deemed 'fun'.

But that's what the dunya is, it takes you away from God. Honestly when you are wrapped up in Western Fashion, how you look what you're doing, all these materialistic shallow things that the West have installed in us, how can you care about God.

Something I use to do before which I can say I am at the stage to do now, is challenge myself.

Challenge myself to be better put myself in hard situations situations that test my patience, let me give you an example, BABIES. You have to have some sort of patience to look after babies, or even testing my anger, seeing how far I can go , as I know what usually angers me I try to do this in order to diffuse myself, I find this helps me to have control over my nafs and bring inner peace. It also allows me to have better self reflection and more concentration in prayers, acts etc. 

It's a bit weird but that's how I go about improving myself, I used to also do this but I haven't yet gotten to that point, InshaAllah soon. So you know how our general thought space is pretty much random stuff I used to have God on my mind all the time.

Like always.

Everything was , Would God approve? Or I would have conversations with God in my head. Or I would be doing dhikr, it's actually hard to do, especially for me because I have such dopey tendencies I usually forget to.. Haha.

Another BIG thing and this is like one of my throwbacks yo I mentioned this a while ago, you NEED to get to tha point where you look forward to nothing else but waking up and appreciating God , you literally are so excited to do good deeds you're in this jannah race yo, that's all that's on your mind.

That is the best feeling ever. Wow. I can't even describe it. You literally need to clear everything else to be second to that . Of course looking forward to other things is not bad but when you're living for the week the month or year you are not living for now and trying your best for now, you're just not your best self.(I believe) 

Another thing is GIVE YOURSELF time! 

I began by stopping the turban then I slowly started going out less only wearing bright make up here and there and now I try to do natural looks and I am not a shopaholic anymore alhamdulilah !

But I still have flaws which I accept I also stopped wearing dresses that are calf length and wearing long skirts but inshaAllah I plan to start wearing abayah again.

One thing I did is I made negotiations with myself I didn't go cold turkey. I didn't go from make up to NO makeup or dresses to abayah I did little steps and I also incorporated my style around my abayah and just making sure to put Islam first and fashion second. You have to remember this but it's hard to do when you're in the wrong mind frame I would suggest first going back to Islam and looking at what we wear and why. 

Stop valuing society more than God- when I was a turbanista I valued how I looked and I also wanted to fit in, I wanted to be seen on the same level as other non hijabis, but the truth is Gods value is so much more, I can only say it to you- you'll take what you want from this but I'm telling you caring about how you look so much makes you empty. I certainly felt empty when I did it.

Wa salaam 

Thursday, 17 December 2015

Worrying and fate

Over the past few days I've been wracked with worry- and it's not my usual worrying it's intense overthinking to the point where I'd get headaches, but at the same time I've also been coming closer to God which puts me in a dilemma. How can I worry so much about the future when I should have tawaqul in Allah that whatever happens is in his control, so long as I strive and do my best I ultimately have to leave the rest to him because if I don't then how can I truly say I'm a believer when I don't believe in my Lord and I don't rely on Him?

I've found its so easy to put into practise accepting fate when you don't actuay have that much hardship to accept, not only that it's easy to accept when you don't have ongoing overriding issues within yourself and career, I mean I'm not disregarding the fact that it could be hard , but personally for myself when I was younger I found it easier to accept but now I find it much harder because of my current situation, this is natural as my experience of life has changed and what once was a test for me then may no longer be and what wasn't a test for me then may be now, in any case I feel as though the struggle has become harder and I thank Allah for that, I thank Allah for allowing me to be able to call upon Him and ask for his help to draw me closer to Him.

It's hard, whatever situation you're in its hard to accept whatever lies in your future it's hard to not want a certain future, it's certainly hard when you've pinned everything to it, but maybe that's the problem, pinning everything to this dream. It's not going to solve your problems perhaps the reason why you're wanting this dream is more to do with a different reason than you think.

Let's take for example you want to marry this guy and you know he's a great brother mashaAllah and his family and yada yada is totes amazing so it's like wow I finally found this amazing brother so you're praying everything will go alright praying so hard that you want the outcome to BE that you marry him, and in that case you aren't really accepting any other alternative you aren't accepting what fate lies ahead of you, so say you don't marry him, you become wrecked with sorrow, all because you didn't pray for the right thing you prayed to marry him not to accept whatever your fate is.

Maybe you're hoping that marrying him will make you a better person, help you grow, help you mature?? These things are not reasons for marrying him, (this is an example ) this what I mean, your intention to marry him is 1) is to solve another problem 2) is the sole focus of your prayer 'and not neutral' 3) is not for the sake of Allah 
If you understand what I'm getting at , sometimes we want things for other reasons, reasons that need individual attention and not be sidetracked with other 'solutions'.

Let me give you another example,
You intend after marriage to adorn the hijab and abaya because that is what a wife is meant to do you also believe it will help you be less lonely.

Now as my usual readers I expect you all to be able to point out the mistakes in this thinking by yourself, and if you can't or you have this mentality, fear not! For I am here, the problem is this sis or bro is linking Islamic actions with marriage they are therefore not understanding the Islamic reasoning or instilling tawaqul or fear of Allah, this means the action of hijab is related to the husband so if he decides one day I don't want you to wear hijab you look better without it you would naturally not wear it right? Because the only reason you did it was because of your husband? As well as the fact that you yourself have no love for the hijab it's for your husband. Therefore you are not listening to God but your husband... 

I know listening to your husband earns reward but you get what I mean right? 

As for being lonely, it's important to develop a relationship with God I honestly believe marriage is something that should not be rushed or undertaken to cure loneliness because loneliness cannot be cured by another human being (in my opinion) I believe loneliness will only dissappear when you have a strong connection with God.

I also believe that marriage should be undertaken when both people are accepting of themselves and fully understand who they are aswell as being strong and confident in themselves, you shouldn't marry someone so they can fill your insecurities, so they can make you feel good (obviously compliments are expected but when you feel ugly about yourself the only thing you'd expect from a partner is this or a lot of the time and if they stop this, this would cause problems)

(I'm saying this more to myself )

You should also, if you are neurotic and a over thinker like me, should avoid thinking about it too much, talking lengthily about it and allowing yourself to think about the worst outcomes.

You should try to be as neutral as you can, I laugh at how easy this sounds because I can vouch it's not easy, but it's important to remind yourself that a believer must think this way, they must accept divine decree, that is not to say you should not try to get whatever it is that you want, please do try but after trying leave the rest to Him.

Try reading anxiety Duas and also try to read Quran. 

This is an article I read that really helped me being a worry wart that I am so I would recommend it!!

Tuesday, 15 December 2015

Abrasive or Confident?

Sometimes you know when you meet someone confident you instantly know they are confident, the warm smile, the big handshake, the open hand gestures(or maybe that's the psychoanalysts out there??) they all show that this person is confident. 

But working in retail has made me realise that some people aren't actually as confident as they appear, sometimes they have insecurities themselves and they project this through trying to put someone else down, or appear better than someone else, because in my opinion someone who's actually confident wouldn't care about ridiculing someone they simply converse with another human in a normal manner, no hidden agendas, no mind games or ...upping someone.

Yeah, so



Being humble is hard, im giving it to you real.

Sometimes it's just SO easy to think hey I have this and this and they don't have that. And hey I'm good at this and they ain't- and for girls, all you girls out there ;)- it's hey I'm prettier than her......

Sometimes you literally need to take a step back and slap yourself mentally. Like one big mental slap. You need to tell yourself, you need to shut ya ugly mouth, you ain't better than no one. Obviously sometimes Shaytan is always whispering as he does, like seriously get a life shay? 

But sometimes it's a part of our own self obsession and my sister was actually talking about how society has made us so self obsessed and I do think it's true we are all so in love with ourselves. You see on Instagram those beautiful (mashaAllah ) girls constantly taking selfies , which I'm not dissing, because personally I hate it when other people diss girls who takes selfies or do duck faces; you should understand that it's society that has made girls like this, the constant need of approval from people, the insecure feeling that we aren't good enough, I would say that while it is time wasting and shallow I'd also say that I've been there too , and I can vouch that it's a hard thing to get out of, the self image and  what others think of you, I think without reliance on God and his appreciation of you, how do you distant yourself from that? 

It's so common nowadays, and I think people need to get that it's not easy to not care about others opinions when that is WHAT you rely on- as a society we are constantly reflected as what others see us as, our perception is moulded by what others think. 

For girls when you want to be pretty it comes from others saying it, for guys it's showing off their muscles or what ever they want to be seen as. 

I used to be a shopaholic which I have actually stopped now alhamdulilah! Yay for me! Didn't even need rehab 😅😏 but the only way I was able to stop was through sacrificing it for God, I thought to myself I want to be closer to God and this self image thing is ruining that for me.

So I let go of it and do you know what I developed a little more humility, and it's good, it's good to have humility but I'd say you get more humility as life goes on. As you get knocked down life kicks you to the curb, when you get up you're ready for more and you're not so stupid to  think you wont get knocked down again. But that's good you know why? Because it makes you treat others better, heck I'm so GLAD I got kicked to the curb because I was a little rat before I'm so glad I have a better understanding of others peoples situation and I know how it feels to be low. I pray that everyone can experience humility because humility is such a wonderful characteristic, honestly I think sometimes people think that when they get kicked down- they shouldn't change instead they should be resilient in their attitude because it's the self belief of why should I change ?! 

But maybe you should, maybe looking at why you got kicked down? If you don't change then it's like you're living life and yeah you're more wise but you're not improving as a person, are you? 


I think I had a misconception for a long time about Islam, that I feel somehow I've begun to clear. I used to think that when you truly love Islam- so much so that every day you wake up, you're so excited just to be alive! Who feels like that now, with such materialism and shallow thinking who actually wakes up feeling that, and not something ridiculous and pathetic like a wedding or an event somewhere where somehow you get to showcase your looks or your talent?

When you truly love Islam- I can't even describe the feeling of sweetness, there's no worries, no stress, no headache. Because you rely on God and every day worries became second to it all because you know God will be there and whatever happens is his decree. That is not to say (speaking from experience) that mental health issues dissappear, no but that in itself is a test one which still needs reliance on God, and i do advocate the use of treatments and therapy although not medication because I feel there are too many side effects (for issues like depression, perhaps for schizophrenia and bipolar it is different) 

But yes as I was saying it is a test one which again needs reliance on God and in a way reliance on yourself, your capabilities I feel like we, more so those that have mental health issues, we underestimate ourselves we believe ourselves to be weaker than we are. We have those crippling 'I'm not good enough' those 'I can't possibly do that' but sometimes you need to say 'I can and I will' sometimes you need to say the good things about yourself. 

People with mental health issues, I feel, generally have a bad perception of themselves what with the taboo of mental health in society it's a general feeling of being abnormal, and not good enough but that is why I'd encourage us to make ourselves feel good, once in awhile we should blow our own trumpet , we certainly don't do it enough! 

Why should we feel down? Why should we feel inadequate? The only person who is stopping ourselves is ... Yes I think you know, it's us. I'm afraid you need to stop looking around the glass bubble you live in and just break it just break it and leave the pieces for someone else to clean up for once. 

The real point of what I was saying was not in fact and I know you might be surprised, was not to talk about mental health it was actually to draw on the fact that when you love Islam and absorb yourself- yes everything becomes second to it and yes it's wonderful. BUT this is a big but it does not mean you have to give up your dreams. You can love Islam and be eternally grateful and still progress, you can still have things you want to do or work to.

In my experience I've always sacrificed something because I felt it was more Islamic to be completely Islamic and not have a worry about career or jobs and just be content with what I have but I've realised that's not always what you have to do- it's up to you. Islam does not say you have to give up things you like, if it's beneficial for the umma have and a positive contribution to society AND you enjoy it, why on earth, you silly mare, would you stop? 

I don't even know if I make sense half of the time but it's not about that, no! It's about me making sure all you silly mares understand this point of mine. I hope you do, but if you don't please email me. 

Im starting a mental health diary as I'm going to be using natural remedies to help me with relaxation and mood which I will be posting about soon once I buy them...


Wednesday, 21 October 2015

Addicting additives

An addiction... It's so weird to think of addictions for me I always think of drug addicts or smokers but it can be anything from chocolate to makeup. 

We all have addictions at some point. One time I was addicted to reading, all I would do is read. Literally when I woke up I would read- from fantasy to adventure. I loved reading then I had another addiction it was playing games. Again every day I played games on the laptop or TV (back when people played sky games) and then when I was in college I was addicted to studying I loved studying so I'd be studying all the time. Now I've come to a point where shopping is an addiction I mean I have had a shopping phase during college too but now that I don't have studying to distract me I suppose I'm consumed by materialism. I know it's not good I buy unnecessary clothing, coats, shoes and somehow I expect it to make me feel better but it doesn't. I've also started buying make up different colour lipsticks, your highlighter, contour, primer and all that shabang. It's hard to stop it really is. I like dressing up nicely and looking funky. I know I need to stop but addictions are hard to beat and harder to let go because somewhere you think it makes you happy even though it doesn't. You become so accustomed to it it's like a part of you- you want it to fill the emptiness but it doesn't.

Instead it plunges you down into more misery realising it doesn't. I know there are make up artists or make up lovers who probably think well it doesn't make me miserable! And yeah if you like make up that's cool I'm not slaying it I'm saying for me personally I'm not a makeup addict or a shopping addict & it always feels misplaced if I become one.

I'm trying to figure out what's going on with me and how I'm going to beat my addiction. As part of an addiction you tend to think 'I'll stop just after this one last time this one last buy I'll have everything anyway I won't need to buy anymore' it's a horrible mentality and I want to kick it so bad.

I can safely say that this addiction is rooted in my low self esteem and poor image of myself. I suppose in a way I want appreciation or is admiration? Who knows- most of the time I'm still trying to figure out who I am. Anyway the point is whatever your addiction is mainly for girls (makeup and clothes) you first need to accept its an addiction. And you should probably also clarify on whether you think it's good or bad for you now what I mean by that is , someone who has a passion for makeup would want to buy lots of makeup it may be an addiction but they want it so it's not bad I suppose. But if you feel like it's not really you or you think it's bad in someway you may need to sort your thoughts on it.

It may also help to talk about it with someone close to you a friend or relative about what they think- if it's bad or good whether or not it's an addiction. Sometimes you can't always tell if it's an addiction or not so may you need an outsider view. It may also be good to reflect on the more core issues to this addiction- why are you addicted? Other than the fact that it's nice - does it make you feel a certain way etc.?

Once you've found out those issues then you can work on them to slowly start kicking it off.

This doesn't stop here, because I've still got this addiction I'm going to write tips when I've managed to let go so we can be on the journey together.

Wednesday, 7 October 2015

Anxiety Support pt2

I have always felt a little bit strange and over time I thought I'd materialise into a normal person like everyone else. But as time went on I never did become that person I thought I'd naturally become. 

Being different I realised is not bad- wha I'm trying to do is embrace who I am and not resent myself. In Islam issues like anxiety and depression is recognised, mental health does exist, there was a time I believed it didn't but only until I developed problems did I realise how important it is to address them. Islam does have remedies but that doesn't mean professional help can't be used- so long as it's not the sole reliance or comprising religion.

Most of the time I find it's good to seek advise from those similar to you or even reading about those that are similar to you. It helps to know that there others out there like yourself.

As well as engaging in activities that you enjoy- developing positive aspects of yourself in order to avoid resentment.

You should also seek support from family and friends and it helps to talk about it either by writing it down or videoing it. I usually video it because I can watch it again to find out how I was feeling. I might also recommend trying out free NH S therapy which can be effective as there as forum and workshops you can join as well as access to therapy sessions.

I'm really sorry I actually haven't gotten any other writing material other than advise for mental health. I'm trying to find more issues to talk about please forgive me !!


Tuesday, 25 August 2015

From the eyes of anxiety

How the world is to a person with anxiety

A person with anxiety, although I'm no expert, in my opinion has a different way of seeing the world. I've come to see the world with two different sets of eyes the way the world should be seen and the way I see it. The way I see it is that anything I am meant to do but have no knowledge of or experience in, is very frightening for me. Now I'm not sure how open minded my readers are but let's try and see this from my perspective and not the way it is for you, as we all different and have different experiences in life so if you start thinking ....that's strange or that's really small it's not a big deal, let's try to remember that something small for you is bigger for someone else.

Okay and with that I'd like to talk some more. I've always been quite I'm not sure if it's called practical but let's say that. What I mean by that is anything I am told to do, I have to know exactly how to do it, often I think I have a low form of autism as I sometimes have no clue how to do basic things and have to know an exact way of how to say things or do things. Once I know how to do it, I no longer feel anxious infact I can be really confident. With academia it's always different even though I like to complete things thoroughly I can research these things, which is true for other social situations too but on the spot I cannot obviously do and that is what makes me anxious. Everything in my eyes has the worst possible outcome. Not only that but everything I do I analyse it over and over, along with the fact that I think everyone is laughing and staring at me...but I'm realising that this is really untrue I don't know why but I've always been in between being really laid back and really neurotic, that's strange right? So I'm trying to coax my laid back persona and make that more dominant. For instance in any situation what is the worst outcome? If I were at the police station trying to report something, even if I stutter, even if I get embarrassed, is that the worst? Like...I didn't die. I still managed to do it!

What I'm trying to say is, the worst outcome is all in my mind. It's not a big deal if I look stupid. Who cares what they think? I need more confidence in myself. I also need to relax and know if I try my best and I fail then at least I know I put all my effort in. I hope those that have anxiety can try and coax their laid back persona and if it's non existent try to train yourself to see the world like that. Slowly you can do it. Just start by doing it in your head when you get anxious. And to those who don't have anxiety I hope it's helped you understand anxiety better. Thanks! Wasalaam!

Sunday, 16 August 2015

Coming back from sin

I don't really know what to say after writing such a personal post. Well it may not seem so personal to you as a reader but for me I've always been hesitant about talking about social anxiety. Anyhow I find that because of my somewhat neurotic personality (even though I do not seem it) i can often pinpoint solutions to problems I have, for instance how to recover from long periods of distance from religion, and yes I know how many times have I posted about this? Well a lot mainly because I'm suffering from it so I feel I can only talk about what I experience. But there has been some progress in my quest to change the direction of my journey.

In my journey in life, up until recently I had felt very distant in my religion, more distant than I have ever felt and I think that's why it's important to make this post. I'm sure many of been through this and not gotten through it, but Alhamdulilah I have and I pray everyone of you who goes through hard times does too. When I talk of hard times, I talk of the roughest journey in the harshest of weathers with minimal clothing or shelter to protect you, metaphors aside, if it gets hard I hope these steps can help.

I actually didn't know any steps per se when I used to talk in my previous posts I just wanted to discuss it, but now I feel like I do.

- when you are at the worst, the lowest soft and gentle words do not change a resilient mindset. You need harshness. Meaning scare yourself with death, there's a reason why we are reminded of death. Go visit a graveyard. Watch a lecture on death. Heck for me, however trivial it sounds I was watching a horror movie and I realised I was so scared, then I realised if I am this scared of a horror movie how can I not fear my death? If I were to die what peril would await me? Far more scary than a tv screen.
- sometimes you feel numb. Almost oblivious to the state you are in, when you are questioned about whether you want to fall into sin or not, it's almost as if you are dead soul living. That is what happens t souls that live in the way of the Dunya. You may not realise it, but you have become numb, oblivious. Sometimes someone giving you advise does not work. Sometimes nothing works. But for me I found recalling the good feeling of practising my religion, comparing it to the feeling of slacking.
- often you may find that you may not even want to change, but it may be more to d with all the distractions in your life. Do you have ipad, a phone, go out too much, engage in haram activities frequently? If so, you need to cut it. All of it. That is not to say you can't go on your iPad or phone, but you need to think, could I live without it? You should not be constantly obsessed with it, otherwise you're time is spent on the dunya and none on islam.
- you should make sure you hold no addiction to anything dunya related. I.e anything that is not beneficial in islam. This is because everything else becomes second to the addiction. For example i used to be obsessed with Korean dramas and it made me less mindful in my prayers because I was more concerned (astagfirullah) with watching the dramas, I would be less helpful because all I wanted to do was watch dramas. Pathetic right? Exactly.
- you need to make sure , in your life, that prayer is the only thing you have time for. I.e you have nothing else you need to do. The most important thing in your life is your prayer. That way your prayer would be the highest standard.

These things I feel continue the distance, all the addictions and distractions just plunge you further away, you also need to want to change obviously aswell as surrounding yourself with good company. People who make you want to do good. And even people (even if they don't know) make you feel ashamed about how you behave or lack in, this may seem bad, but it's actually good because it makes you questiom your actions and makes you want to do better.

Well obviously I'm not perfect, but these help me, everyone is different so it may not help everyone. But inshaAllah what ever works, I pray we all find out way to the straight path and remain steadfast in the deen.

Saturday, 15 August 2015

The road to social anxiety

I'm kind of wondering whether there's any point in trying to explain why I haven't posted, or whether you guys are just sick of me and never even read the stuff I write nowadays, in any case I wasn't lying about a Ramadan video ...the catch is its not obviously going to be posted in Ramadan.. (Because Ramadan is over)

So the other day I was at my friends house and I was recalling all the times I had embarrassed myself and I realised that around the ages of 10-13 I was a really strange child. Like for instance when ever I would go out at the age 10 I would always wear my black long (two sizes too big for me) parka with joggers or pyjamas and my hood up with unbrushed hair. Who wouldn't be scared of me right? Well turns out most people because every time I visited the post office with my mum the man would tell me not to touch any items and he would stare at me funny. I mean it's expected right? As I grew older it got even funnier. This time I started wearing clothes but it wasn't ...normal. I remember one day I wore a bright yellow top with green 3/4 Capri shorts (that showed my hairy legs) with high heels (that did not fit me) and my hair was a mess. I looked like such a mess that every time I went out with equally unique outfits my family was embarrassed of me... They wouldn't even walk with me. I mean it made me feel like an alien but as I grew older even though my fashion got better my habits got stranger.

At the age of 13/14 I had a habit of going to the bathroom 13 times before I went to sleep not only that I had a list of words I had to say at least four times, this was all to ensure I didn't get bad dreams. It did drive me insane if that's what you were asking. I remember pulling my hair because it was so aggravating . Anyhow it was because I had horrible nightmares, I mean the nightmares where you are forcing yourself to wake up, wake up with sweats, cover yourself with the duvet till you boil kinda nightmares, I eventually found out that these OCD kinda tactics worked off and on to ward off bad dreams and that sleeping Duas were a sure fire guarantee to help me sleep.

The point I think I want to make is, looking back on myself I always felt odd. I always did strange things that made people feel embarrassed either for me or because of me, I always felt odd, left out and alienated. And even now at the age of 19 even though I dress normally no longer have nightmares or OCD habits I being as 'unique' as you might like to call it, still have many issues. From around 14/15 I started developing anti social behaviour along with social anxiety. This, I would like to say is an exaggeration however it is not. First it began as being shy and reaction from others to my shyness propelled it to extreme shyness. Truth is in my family no ones ...shy. Being the second youngest sibling there's never a quiet moment what with five independent strong young woman (inc. a 9 year old) I always got squashed to the sidelines and asked 'why are you so shy? What happened to the loud 2 year old?' I believe that as my personality was never similar to that in my household I was neglected of the right to be myself and instead made to feel self conscious and this lowered my self confidence. Introverts were unfamiliar in my family and although I understand it better now ,as a tennager it made me feel like it was wrong to be shy or quiet.

Growimg up with older sisters I always had more moments that I disliked than I liked .This was because as I explained I never felt confident enough to be myself for fear of my sisters reaction. However this was not as bad as it may seem, it is something that could have disappeared with maturity however as you may know my mum fell around last year which made things a lot worse for my confidence. I was at a loss to who I was and everything was under question. It made me scared of responsibility and I fell into denial for a while. I never felt like I had even an ounce of stress compared to my older sisters they , hands down had a lot more to deal with. I often felt pathetic to even try and have issues of my own and I found it hard to feel like I was good enough because on the one hand I wanted to run away a and be selfish, live my life, and have fun. And on the other I wanted to step up and help out. Somehow I was void of emotion during that time in my life. I didn't have a feeling to cry, this was questioned by my sisters too.. "Why doesn't she feel sad?" And I felt selfish because I couldn't even cry in the worst situation I could have imagined.

I don't think my life is sad. And I hope no one reading this thinks that. Often I felt sad and depressed for long periods of my life. But college was good as I had studying to worry about. It didn't really prepare me for duties or responsibility though. I wonder if there's a word hat means scared of responsibility? I think I became scared of it due to the sudden nature of my mums condition and the things that were expected of me later on in my life. It was selfish. That I didn't want to take them up.

But eventually I did. When people ask who cooks and I say we share it between sisters and they ask who looks after your little sister and I say we share it. They always praise me and say I'm so brave. But I hate it when people say that. Because I'm not .. In fact I'm a coward.

That cowardliness never disappeared , in fact it got worse.  Then became known as social anxiety. I found it difficult to answer the phone, for fear of talking to someone. I couldn't answer the door. Things like going out was never a problem because I was so used to it from a young age. But paying bills (if needed) or picking my sister from school became stressful and hard tasks for me. Calling up people in authoritative positions were the worst. These tasks made me so nervous I had to take time out. Once again it drove me insane. Fortunately I'm working through it, I found that the causes of these was down to self esteem and confidence. I thought I would sound stupid if I didn't know what to say or do  and that would embarrass me.  Or someone would think I'm ugly if they see me. Anywhere I wasn't sure of what I was doing or somewhere stressful that could cause tension I felt like I would do something wrong and again embarrass myself. I looked it up on he net and found similar people and their solutions. If anyone else has social anxiety I hope these tips can help you as much as it can help me.

1)  believe in yourself. That's the first thing. Everything about you, is good. Is great, the good, the bad the ugly!
2) you should never make yourself feel like you're not good enough, regardless of what anyone thinks or says, they have no right to make you feel small and you are in charge of whether you let them!
3) things that scare you need to be faced you cannot run forever.  Take little steps. If you are scared of phone calls do a practise, try it with a friend. Then when you get round to the real thing, remember it's the action not the outcome!
4) rely on God. God will always be there for you , read Duas and have faith. Pray 2 Rakats nafl for thanks and just to feel  closer to God.
5) be happy with who you are. Appreciate that you are an introvert. Accept that social anxiety is a part of you but you can solve it, don't feel down about yourself because of this.
6) do things you enjoy ( me particularly I like to go the park alone and take pictures. I like cycling by myself and sitting in tress (when I can climb them!) )

*eventhough relying on God is number 4, it is the most important. The reason why it's four is because you need the other steps to help you

Sunday, 5 July 2015

Update about where the heck I went

I made another blog I think I have an obsession! No but on all serious platforms I have, but its more like a blog about mylife, where I take pictures and videos of my life. So if you want to see it, just see it. Its called ok! Anyway more on to the real topic, I will be posting a Ramadhan video, incase you thought I had moved or something, i know ive been slow but its a work in the process! So just keep your eyes open! Maybe a general ramadhan routine, tips and so on?

Monday, 15 June 2015

The Mind

Assalamualaikum Wa Rahmtullahi Wa Barakatuh,

I wasn't going to post this on this blog as it is more in line with the topics, themes or whatever of the other blog I am an author of, (infinite vestige) however I feel it has some wisdom( you may call it that?) and hopefully will be useful to others so I will share here, feel free to comment!

Soul series
Soul finder number two
Well soul finder number one was a walk in the park right? Literally! 💛😂. Number two, although it was hard to find and I wasn't sure when I actually found it. I think I might have found it. It's not so obvious and these are in no particular order or even in importance. But number two is about the mind. It's about controlling the mind, training the mind, loving the mind. Nurturing it to be beautiful. Although I would like to say I'm a beautiful being, truth is, I'm not. But with time I can become one. It starts with fixing my faults. Pulling myself back when I want to do things that are a bit too wild. I've realised this over the past few months, like a month or two ago, on impulse I got my eyebrow pierced. It was wild, wacky and down right crazy. I thought it was part of my teenage years, living my 'life' to the extreme, shows how smart I am right? 

I have now closed the hole. I suppose it allowed me to realise what I want, if I want it, how it makes me feel and so on. It was an experience. I'd say. I often do things on impulse, people who know me would definitely describe me as impulsive. My problem is, I don't think things through, I just do them. The eyebrow thing is one example but I've had these problems in the past with dressing, relationships, my hair and so on, although I don't believe impulsiveness is always a bad thing, I do believe too much of it would only push me into real big problems that may end being too difficult to get out of. I acknowledge it's a part of myself, which I've come to appreciate (loving the mind) but I've always learnt I need to curb it sometimes too, like the piercing. Not only this but my ideals of what a teenager is, and what 'FUN' is. Oh my, that word fun, has come to hate me over the past few months. I suppose it's all about loving what Allah loves and hating what Allah hates. Like the quote, you may love a thing and it is bad for you, yet you may hate a thing while it is good for you, or so I've heard, somewhere along thos lines. 

I thought i had grown up a lot, but I realise I still have a lot more to go. I know that my end is only going to be good if I follow Islam properly and it will only lead me to chaos if I don't. So as I said,my soul finder number two, is about my mind. Conditioning my mind to understand Islam and the life I am meant to live. 


Sunday, 14 June 2015

Shes my little sister

I think when you take a look at my little sister she seems so mature, so grown up, so aware. But you forget she's still small, she has no idea about the world, and it's corruption. Most importantly the influence friends can have on you. When you're young you're still confused about what's right and what's wrong, you want to explore and discover the world, you want to be older. But you can't, because you're not ready. No way near.

Today my sister was found to be doing something wrong, when confronted she cried. She usually cries so this was not shocking to me, especially because kids usually cry when found to be doing something they shouldn't of. What made me realise how vulnerable and small she really is, is when I spoke to her about what had happened. I asked her why. I asked how. And I asked what she thought now. Her response was so innocent it made me realise how bad she felt. She insisted it was her friend who had told her, and all my previous views of how mature and adult like she was didn't completely disappear but it allowed me to realise she's still young. She didn't eat anything as she felt too bad to eat- this also made me realise what true guilt is, when you honestly feel as though the world is caving in on you and you regret your mistake so badly you would do anything to change it.

That was what she felt. My heart went out to her, as I knew she was regretful. When I first found out my instant reaction was not anger, it was why. I wanted to know, if she was curious, if she came across it...I never thought even as a child that anger solved anything. Sure she should feel guilt and know it's wrong. But anger never solves anything. 

I'm so glad in a way that I was able to help her in this problem. I remember as a child being confused as why I was shouted at for doing things wrong instead of explaining why. Instead of being able to talk to someone without dying of fear. I feel like in today's society it is far more important for a child to talk to someone rather than having fear of someone, although fear is good it isn't always good. I pray Allah protects her from the evils of this world and help her to grow up a pious young woman. 

Friday, 29 May 2015

Video: Politics Today


This post is basically about why we should all be involved in politics and not let silly barriers stop us from learning and growing! Don't let anyone make you feel like you're not good enough because you are, there are so many great scientists with difficulties but are still so successful and in this case it's not even about success it's about expressing yourself and taking part!
We all start somewhere so we should never feel embarrassed about what we do not know instead we should seek knowledge with sincerity regardless of others' opinions!

(This video has temporarily been removed but will shortly be replaced! bear with me!)

Video: Climbing Trees pt 2


This is basically an extension of my first video, 'climbing trees'- explaining why you should climb trees and how I started....I know it's a bit weird but come on it's fun!

(This video has temporarily been removed but will shortly be replaced! bear with me!)

This is related to my previous post, 'get a hobby', thanks for watching and reading! 

Thursday, 28 May 2015

Video: Hobbies?


I've been thinking about myself and what helps me when I'm sad or struggling in my deen and one thing I've found is having a passion for something, but instead of me writing my thoughts I thought I'd share a video of my thoughts. P.s sorry if I repeated my points, I don't think I'm used to videoing yet 

(This video has temporarily been removed but will shortly be replaced! bear with me!)

Anyhow enjoy! 

Wednesday, 29 April 2015

Video: climbing trees


This is my experience of climbing trees.. I think everyone should know how to climb trees so thus why I have made a video. I forgot to mention climbing trees works your arms out so either stretch or be prepared!

(This video has temporarily been removed but will shortly be replaced! bear with me!)


Monday, 20 April 2015


Assalaamualikum Wa Rahmtullahi Wa Barakatuh,

Forgive me for not posting for so long. A post is on it's way! Maybe a couple actually! 

Tuesday, 3 March 2015

CTS, don't sass me

Assalamualikum Wa Rahmtullahi Wa Barakatuh,

The media is a big place one where we can all get lost in. It's hard to believe a lot of what the media says as often it has ten lies added to it (much like in fortune telling) we never really know the truth. There's been so many events in the past few weeks, that it's actually dawning on me how much Islam is under attack. From the Charlie Hebdo incident to the new CTS law, it's apparent that these attacks are no longer indirect, they are a direct attack on our values and beliefs. I myself have no expertise on this new bill so I will post a link to a video that explains how dangerous it is. Although the video is before the bill was passed it is still useful inshaAllah. 

There was, I believe a petition to stop the bill but it went ahead, through the resilient Theresa May what wouldn't? In fact she even tried to trick her own ministers in Parliament to get through legislation. 

An overview of the CTS Bill
For those who have missed the details of the proposals stated in the CTS Bill due to the lightning speed in which it's moved from the House of Commons to the House Lords, here is a brief recap of the policies that are included within it:
1. Seizure of passports from persons suspected of involvement in terrorism - The Bill proposes granting powers to the police and the border officials to seize a person's passport for up to 14 days. The seizure applies to those coming into the UK as well as those leaving, and affects UK citizens as well as non-UK nationals, and is based on 'suspicion'; the officer need not have any grounds or evidence for his suspicion.
2. Temporary Exclusion Orders (TEOs) - The Bill will empower the Home Secretary to issue a Temporary Exclusion Order, which will ban a UK citizen who is abroad from returning for up to 2 years, where she/he believes there is a "reasonable suspicion of involvement in terrorist activity abroad".
3. Buffed up Terrorism Prevention and Investigation Measures - TPIMs replaced Control Orders, which were used to restrict the activity of suspected terrorists who had not been convicted. When TPIMs were introduced in 2011 they decided they would scrap the powers to move people across the country. The Home Secretary now proposes bringing back the power to send suspects to new towns, introducing internal exile.
4. Creating an obligation to monitor and report extremism - Colleges, schools, prisons, GPs and councils will now have a legal duty to prevent people being drawn into terrorism. Schools, nurseries even GPs will be required to monitor those they provide services to and report anyone they believe is at risk of, or has in fact been drawn in to terrorism. Universities will have to draw up policies on extremist campus speakers, and prisons will be required to have policies for dealing with radicals. The Home Office will be able to get court orders obliging bodies to comply with their obligations.
5. "De-Radicalisation" Panels - The Bill creates a legal duty that will require local authorities to establish a panel to refer people identified as being at risk of 'being drawn into terrorism'. The composition of that panel is set out in the Bill, and its purpose is to draw up a "de-radicalisation" plan for the person identified as being at risk. The Bill makes no provision for the person identified to have legal or other representation, or in the case of a child, to have a parent present.
6. Obligations on airlines - Airlines will now be required to disclose personal information about their passengers in advance. Airlines that refuse or fail to provide advance passenger lists will be banned from landing in Britain and may face a penalty.

- it's absolutely ridiculous, and I am aware that I'm not the only one that thinks this. Last week I went to Parliament and the agenda of issues in the House Of Lords, was interesting I must say. However if a topic like genetic modification can be debated for hours on end how is that this bill went so quick between the Houses and passed so speedily? Surely whether UK becomes a policing state is important enough to be discussed at length. The events in Paris and the recently missing schoolgirls obviously striked a riot to get such action from the usually slow and inactive Parliament. Well that's all there is to it, don't be too radical otherwise you might get reported.

Stay moderate x 

Wasalaam (next post will be the other topics in Parliament and my views)  

Tuesday, 3 February 2015

I Got Your Back

We have a moral and social obligation as muslims to do our part in standing firm against oppression and injustice inflicted on our ummah. We are obliged, it is our duty to Allah to speak out and use our voices to make a difference to the muslim community. Saving one person is like saving a whole nation, so just remember, every single voice counts. We must empower ourselves through knowledge and awareness, we must seek the haqq in the midst of all the lies we hear in the media. We have a duty as muslims to stand firmly when we are criticised and ostracised... Read more

What I find particularly interesting about this article is that it is always relevant we as Muslims are constantly under scrutiny and what with the current situation with the Charlie Hebdo murder it is even more important for us to understand what we are told and the increasing criminalisation of Islam

Sacrificing a Selftitude

Assalaamualikum Wa Rahmtullahi Wa Baraktuh,

I bow my head in shame to you, oh loyal reader, for I have failed you. Inconsistency is what I wanted to avoid and I have found myself in the quicksand of it. 

Please forgive me.

It has been a month since I have posted and I can honestly say it's been a confusing time for me. Recently it feels like all I have is issues with myself, battling them everyday, though I am practical and usually good at solving problems, it seems as though this is something reoccurring. 

I apologise, I apologise for making you bear the brunt of this, as you should not. I had a problem not so long ago, it was to do with sacrifice. What I mean by sacrifice is, giving up something you would not choose to, because of a certain situation you are forced to. For me it was university, and a stable "career" when prospects of this disappeared I felt low, like my life was meaningless. I felt as though I was missing out on what everyone else had, I lacked a real experience of life.

For me, stability is really important, I need stability to help me be positive in life, personally I find many flaws in my character and in order to overcome it, one step is stability in a job. You may ask, how does that relate? Well I work in a weirdly wired way so let me explain. Job prospects are more likely to cheer me up in the day, I.e if I do something I enjoy and allows me to progress and develop, this would help me be positive at home as well as gratefulness in general. 

However I realise there was many flaws in my thinking 1) such situation determines my happiness this means I rely solely on this career development therefore when it is taken away I lose sight of reality, this is always dangerous as you lose reliance on God. 2) gratefulness is not determined by what i gain, it should be an eternal element within myself that cannot appear or disappear, this shows that my faith in God is flawed and needs work 3)  there seems to be a bigger problem at hand, if i am looking for something other than God it shows that i have changed direction in life. This is not to say i cannot have aspirations but the mere fact this is what I have based my life on means I need to work on other parts of my deen. As there seems to be a lack in fulfilment in these. 

Thank you for being here to help me write this out.