Saturday, 26 December 2015

I'm changing

I'm beginning to see that it's not that hard to change, well it is and it isn't..

What I mean is, comparing myself a couple of months ago and now, a lot has changed in terms of my mentality and my positivity.

But I cannot say it was easy, at first even I was stumped at how I did it. Because I had tried(as you know) many times to become closer to God and failed on numerous occasions ( in my eyes) but alhamdulilah alhamdulilah I've been getting closer to it than ever before, and I realised its a lot to do with my actual faith in God not only do I need tawaqul (rememberance) of God but I also need to do this in action.

And this. This is so important I think I forgot the different/the line/ the actuality of the situation I kept confusing my laziness, etc. and so on with my own personality and every time I did something I myself didn't approve of I wouldn't correct myself which in the past I would, it's so important to mould the Islamic personality to whatever degree you think is right (I personally have a certain view of how to behave and I like to mould myself around that) and NOT think hey that's me, because no it's not, it's your nafs it's the little Shaytan making excuses, you know him ...

There two things I've noticed, and it's helped me a lot. I've been through a low phase a period where I was ashamed of myself and a period where I did not feel close to God whatsoever astaghfirullah a time when rememberance of God disinterested me, wasn't deemed 'fun'.

But that's what the dunya is, it takes you away from God. Honestly when you are wrapped up in Western Fashion, how you look what you're doing, all these materialistic shallow things that the West have installed in us, how can you care about God.

Something I use to do before which I can say I am at the stage to do now, is challenge myself.

Challenge myself to be better put myself in hard situations situations that test my patience, let me give you an example, BABIES. You have to have some sort of patience to look after babies, or even testing my anger, seeing how far I can go , as I know what usually angers me I try to do this in order to diffuse myself, I find this helps me to have control over my nafs and bring inner peace. It also allows me to have better self reflection and more concentration in prayers, acts etc. 

It's a bit weird but that's how I go about improving myself, I used to also do this but I haven't yet gotten to that point, InshaAllah soon. So you know how our general thought space is pretty much random stuff I used to have God on my mind all the time.

Like always.

Everything was , Would God approve? Or I would have conversations with God in my head. Or I would be doing dhikr, it's actually hard to do, especially for me because I have such dopey tendencies I usually forget to.. Haha.

Another BIG thing and this is like one of my throwbacks yo I mentioned this a while ago, you NEED to get to tha point where you look forward to nothing else but waking up and appreciating God , you literally are so excited to do good deeds you're in this jannah race yo, that's all that's on your mind.

That is the best feeling ever. Wow. I can't even describe it. You literally need to clear everything else to be second to that . Of course looking forward to other things is not bad but when you're living for the week the month or year you are not living for now and trying your best for now, you're just not your best self.(I believe) 

Another thing is GIVE YOURSELF time! 

I began by stopping the turban then I slowly started going out less only wearing bright make up here and there and now I try to do natural looks and I am not a shopaholic anymore alhamdulilah !

But I still have flaws which I accept I also stopped wearing dresses that are calf length and wearing long skirts but inshaAllah I plan to start wearing abayah again.

One thing I did is I made negotiations with myself I didn't go cold turkey. I didn't go from make up to NO makeup or dresses to abayah I did little steps and I also incorporated my style around my abayah and just making sure to put Islam first and fashion second. You have to remember this but it's hard to do when you're in the wrong mind frame I would suggest first going back to Islam and looking at what we wear and why. 

Stop valuing society more than God- when I was a turbanista I valued how I looked and I also wanted to fit in, I wanted to be seen on the same level as other non hijabis, but the truth is Gods value is so much more, I can only say it to you- you'll take what you want from this but I'm telling you caring about how you look so much makes you empty. I certainly felt empty when I did it.

Wa salaam 

Thursday, 17 December 2015

Worrying and fate

Over the past few days I've been wracked with worry- and it's not my usual worrying it's intense overthinking to the point where I'd get headaches, but at the same time I've also been coming closer to God which puts me in a dilemma. How can I worry so much about the future when I should have tawaqul in Allah that whatever happens is in his control, so long as I strive and do my best I ultimately have to leave the rest to him because if I don't then how can I truly say I'm a believer when I don't believe in my Lord and I don't rely on Him?

I've found its so easy to put into practise accepting fate when you don't actuay have that much hardship to accept, not only that it's easy to accept when you don't have ongoing overriding issues within yourself and career, I mean I'm not disregarding the fact that it could be hard , but personally for myself when I was younger I found it easier to accept but now I find it much harder because of my current situation, this is natural as my experience of life has changed and what once was a test for me then may no longer be and what wasn't a test for me then may be now, in any case I feel as though the struggle has become harder and I thank Allah for that, I thank Allah for allowing me to be able to call upon Him and ask for his help to draw me closer to Him.

It's hard, whatever situation you're in its hard to accept whatever lies in your future it's hard to not want a certain future, it's certainly hard when you've pinned everything to it, but maybe that's the problem, pinning everything to this dream. It's not going to solve your problems perhaps the reason why you're wanting this dream is more to do with a different reason than you think.

Let's take for example you want to marry this guy and you know he's a great brother mashaAllah and his family and yada yada is totes amazing so it's like wow I finally found this amazing brother so you're praying everything will go alright praying so hard that you want the outcome to BE that you marry him, and in that case you aren't really accepting any other alternative you aren't accepting what fate lies ahead of you, so say you don't marry him, you become wrecked with sorrow, all because you didn't pray for the right thing you prayed to marry him not to accept whatever your fate is.

Maybe you're hoping that marrying him will make you a better person, help you grow, help you mature?? These things are not reasons for marrying him, (this is an example ) this what I mean, your intention to marry him is 1) is to solve another problem 2) is the sole focus of your prayer 'and not neutral' 3) is not for the sake of Allah 
If you understand what I'm getting at , sometimes we want things for other reasons, reasons that need individual attention and not be sidetracked with other 'solutions'.

Let me give you another example,
You intend after marriage to adorn the hijab and abaya because that is what a wife is meant to do you also believe it will help you be less lonely.

Now as my usual readers I expect you all to be able to point out the mistakes in this thinking by yourself, and if you can't or you have this mentality, fear not! For I am here, the problem is this sis or bro is linking Islamic actions with marriage they are therefore not understanding the Islamic reasoning or instilling tawaqul or fear of Allah, this means the action of hijab is related to the husband so if he decides one day I don't want you to wear hijab you look better without it you would naturally not wear it right? Because the only reason you did it was because of your husband? As well as the fact that you yourself have no love for the hijab it's for your husband. Therefore you are not listening to God but your husband... 

I know listening to your husband earns reward but you get what I mean right? 

As for being lonely, it's important to develop a relationship with God I honestly believe marriage is something that should not be rushed or undertaken to cure loneliness because loneliness cannot be cured by another human being (in my opinion) I believe loneliness will only dissappear when you have a strong connection with God.

I also believe that marriage should be undertaken when both people are accepting of themselves and fully understand who they are aswell as being strong and confident in themselves, you shouldn't marry someone so they can fill your insecurities, so they can make you feel good (obviously compliments are expected but when you feel ugly about yourself the only thing you'd expect from a partner is this or a lot of the time and if they stop this, this would cause problems)

(I'm saying this more to myself )

You should also, if you are neurotic and a over thinker like me, should avoid thinking about it too much, talking lengthily about it and allowing yourself to think about the worst outcomes.

You should try to be as neutral as you can, I laugh at how easy this sounds because I can vouch it's not easy, but it's important to remind yourself that a believer must think this way, they must accept divine decree, that is not to say you should not try to get whatever it is that you want, please do try but after trying leave the rest to Him.

Try reading anxiety Duas and also try to read Quran. 

This is an article I read that really helped me being a worry wart that I am so I would recommend it!!

Tuesday, 15 December 2015

Abrasive or Confident?

Sometimes you know when you meet someone confident you instantly know they are confident, the warm smile, the big handshake, the open hand gestures(or maybe that's the psychoanalysts out there??) they all show that this person is confident. 

But working in retail has made me realise that some people aren't actually as confident as they appear, sometimes they have insecurities themselves and they project this through trying to put someone else down, or appear better than someone else, because in my opinion someone who's actually confident wouldn't care about ridiculing someone they simply converse with another human in a normal manner, no hidden agendas, no mind games or ...upping someone.

Yeah, so



Being humble is hard, im giving it to you real.

Sometimes it's just SO easy to think hey I have this and this and they don't have that. And hey I'm good at this and they ain't- and for girls, all you girls out there ;)- it's hey I'm prettier than her......

Sometimes you literally need to take a step back and slap yourself mentally. Like one big mental slap. You need to tell yourself, you need to shut ya ugly mouth, you ain't better than no one. Obviously sometimes Shaytan is always whispering as he does, like seriously get a life shay? 

But sometimes it's a part of our own self obsession and my sister was actually talking about how society has made us so self obsessed and I do think it's true we are all so in love with ourselves. You see on Instagram those beautiful (mashaAllah ) girls constantly taking selfies , which I'm not dissing, because personally I hate it when other people diss girls who takes selfies or do duck faces; you should understand that it's society that has made girls like this, the constant need of approval from people, the insecure feeling that we aren't good enough, I would say that while it is time wasting and shallow I'd also say that I've been there too , and I can vouch that it's a hard thing to get out of, the self image and  what others think of you, I think without reliance on God and his appreciation of you, how do you distant yourself from that? 

It's so common nowadays, and I think people need to get that it's not easy to not care about others opinions when that is WHAT you rely on- as a society we are constantly reflected as what others see us as, our perception is moulded by what others think. 

For girls when you want to be pretty it comes from others saying it, for guys it's showing off their muscles or what ever they want to be seen as. 

I used to be a shopaholic which I have actually stopped now alhamdulilah! Yay for me! Didn't even need rehab 😅😏 but the only way I was able to stop was through sacrificing it for God, I thought to myself I want to be closer to God and this self image thing is ruining that for me.

So I let go of it and do you know what I developed a little more humility, and it's good, it's good to have humility but I'd say you get more humility as life goes on. As you get knocked down life kicks you to the curb, when you get up you're ready for more and you're not so stupid to  think you wont get knocked down again. But that's good you know why? Because it makes you treat others better, heck I'm so GLAD I got kicked to the curb because I was a little rat before I'm so glad I have a better understanding of others peoples situation and I know how it feels to be low. I pray that everyone can experience humility because humility is such a wonderful characteristic, honestly I think sometimes people think that when they get kicked down- they shouldn't change instead they should be resilient in their attitude because it's the self belief of why should I change ?! 

But maybe you should, maybe looking at why you got kicked down? If you don't change then it's like you're living life and yeah you're more wise but you're not improving as a person, are you? 


I think I had a misconception for a long time about Islam, that I feel somehow I've begun to clear. I used to think that when you truly love Islam- so much so that every day you wake up, you're so excited just to be alive! Who feels like that now, with such materialism and shallow thinking who actually wakes up feeling that, and not something ridiculous and pathetic like a wedding or an event somewhere where somehow you get to showcase your looks or your talent?

When you truly love Islam- I can't even describe the feeling of sweetness, there's no worries, no stress, no headache. Because you rely on God and every day worries became second to it all because you know God will be there and whatever happens is his decree. That is not to say (speaking from experience) that mental health issues dissappear, no but that in itself is a test one which still needs reliance on God, and i do advocate the use of treatments and therapy although not medication because I feel there are too many side effects (for issues like depression, perhaps for schizophrenia and bipolar it is different) 

But yes as I was saying it is a test one which again needs reliance on God and in a way reliance on yourself, your capabilities I feel like we, more so those that have mental health issues, we underestimate ourselves we believe ourselves to be weaker than we are. We have those crippling 'I'm not good enough' those 'I can't possibly do that' but sometimes you need to say 'I can and I will' sometimes you need to say the good things about yourself. 

People with mental health issues, I feel, generally have a bad perception of themselves what with the taboo of mental health in society it's a general feeling of being abnormal, and not good enough but that is why I'd encourage us to make ourselves feel good, once in awhile we should blow our own trumpet , we certainly don't do it enough! 

Why should we feel down? Why should we feel inadequate? The only person who is stopping ourselves is ... Yes I think you know, it's us. I'm afraid you need to stop looking around the glass bubble you live in and just break it just break it and leave the pieces for someone else to clean up for once. 

The real point of what I was saying was not in fact and I know you might be surprised, was not to talk about mental health it was actually to draw on the fact that when you love Islam and absorb yourself- yes everything becomes second to it and yes it's wonderful. BUT this is a big but it does not mean you have to give up your dreams. You can love Islam and be eternally grateful and still progress, you can still have things you want to do or work to.

In my experience I've always sacrificed something because I felt it was more Islamic to be completely Islamic and not have a worry about career or jobs and just be content with what I have but I've realised that's not always what you have to do- it's up to you. Islam does not say you have to give up things you like, if it's beneficial for the umma have and a positive contribution to society AND you enjoy it, why on earth, you silly mare, would you stop? 

I don't even know if I make sense half of the time but it's not about that, no! It's about me making sure all you silly mares understand this point of mine. I hope you do, but if you don't please email me. 

Im starting a mental health diary as I'm going to be using natural remedies to help me with relaxation and mood which I will be posting about soon once I buy them...