Tuesday, 29 November 2016

Dear dad

Dear Dad,

When I was young I always had fun. I always had fun because of you, Dad. We would all visit London on Eid, going to tower hamlets for wings or green street for the famous kebabs. We were young and we didn't know much but you made it fun.

I would play with your hair and pick out gray hairs you would give me a pound for pulling out lots of gray hairs. You would buy me toys and we would all visit felixstowe beach and Clacton. You did a good job Dad. You made our childhood happy, filling it with outings and family visits, we had fun.

When we moved to London, it stopped. It seemed like you were busy with work and maybe we all forgot the love you showed us when we were young. Love is not the same for everyone. Stress and pressure make a person different. Difficult. I'm sorry I didn't understand better. I'm sorry you thought we didn't love you. I'm sorry you were annoyed at how we would avoid you. I'm sorry Dad.

We didn't understand your temperament. You had a lot going on and we didn't understand. I love you, Dad. You tried your best in everything and you showed me how to work hard. You never gave up. You were strong and courageous more brave than I. I always looked at you and thought my dad is so confident. And he doesn't even know English properly.

I want to be confident like you Dad. I'm glad you were proud that I was becoming a nurse. I'm sorry you worked so hard all your life and you never got to rest. You never had your retirement which you deserved. I'm sorry you never got to go back home and rest. I'm sorry you never got to enjoy your life properly.

I know you were a good man. There were things that everyone has done, that make us bad people. But we are not bad souls. I pray your soul is happy. I pray your soul finds peace in the grave and the grave is wide and filled with light. I pray your Allah forgives you of all of your sins. I love you so much Dad, I know I never showed it, but I did.

From your loving Daughter

My dad

I'm sorry dad.
I'm sorry that you won't be around on my wedding day.
I'm sorry that you won't see me again.
I'm sorry I got annoyed
I'm sorry I never listened
I'm sorry I didn't try with you
I'm sorry I couldnt be a better daughter
I'm sorry I didn't talk to you enough
I'm sorry I never spoke to you about being a nurse
I'm sorry you won't see me as a nurse
I'm sorry you left
I'm sorry for the things I've said
And the ones I've never said
I'm sorry I didn't see you before you died
I'm sorry I couldn't hug you and cry
I'm sorry dad
I'm sorry

Wednesday, 16 November 2016

Dont talk about my friends

So lately I've been getting annoyed with people, sometimes ignoring them, maybe even having a rant. You know the usual. But i think im justified and im guessing youll agree with me.

It might surprise you to know I find it easier to talk to patients with mental health issues than I do with others. I think it has something to do with the fact that mental health patients have no desier for superiority or a want to show off- they are down to earth and genuine people.

Since my time on placement, I've realised all the things people told me- (its going to be scary, you cant trust them they are dangerous etc. Etc.) arent true. Mental health patients, although I can't generalise (that doesnt mean they arent its just I havent met a huge amount) are lovely people , they get agigtated sure, but thats like you and me my friend , no different. They arent actually that violent, sometimes if the voices in their heads gets too much it might make them louder and perhaps aggressive, but they aren't bad or crazy human beings as everyone likes to think so.

While we are on that, what does crazy even mean. That word is always used negatively when describing mental health patients, and I wonder why? Why do we surround ourselves in ignorance in 21st century society, sure you might not be able to find out but atleast be open minded, dont stigmatise groups of people because of a health condition which if i might add is possible for anyone to develop (mental health is 1in 4 i believe).

People say they are open minded but then i get comments like, oh my isnt it scary? Or wow youre doing a tough job. And you know what it really gets on my nerves, because I actually prefer mental health patients over 'normal people' because they aren't like that, mental health patients are so much more open minded and humble (obviously not all of them but compared to some people I know which is ironic considering how they are viewed). I cant go on enough about the good qualities I have seen in numerous mental health patients.

I try my best to clear up misunderstandings with people who have no idea what mental health is, and denounce it to a single word like 'crazy'. But sometimes I get really annoyed and I might not even bother talking to them. You see they arent just mental health patients anymore-theyre more like friends. (Albeit i have to leave them or theyll leave me at some point, but do you see what I mean, as in equals) and when you see people as your friends they are no longer a detachment to you, so therefore I do get angry, because I care about them and I dont like anyone talking bad about my friends. So dont do it.