Saturday, 22 April 2017

Fireworks

There was something amazing about the day I finished placement. (Did I tell you I hated it?) I felt free and I felt so grateful I was able to walk around without worrying about going home to prepare for my next shift. There was some new found magic in the air and I felt like I was walking on water. But without this experience I don't think the moment I finished would've been as amazing as it was. It honestly felt like a bazillion fireworks going off and I was dancing with joy. Maybe there's a lesson in it, some gratitude I need to obtain in all of these horrid encounters with people because things happen for a reason. Maybe that's one of the reasons.

Maybe.

Wasalaam

Wednesday, 12 April 2017

Being single

I have been thinking about something. Recently I feel my time is useless like I'm not using my time as good as I could be. I watched How to be single yesterday (yes you do have to skip alot of the scenes) and throughout the whole movie she is hell-bent on finding a guy and she goes through different guys wondering why it didn't work out and I was kinda sucked in too thinking damn why can't she find a guy, but then she had this epiphany where she decided she would focus on herself and she started doing more like going to the gym and cycling and all sorts of cool stuff, honestly it was empowering just to see that change in her. And it inspired me aswell, not that I'm looking for a guy just to do more with my life, at the end of the day we control our lives, how we feel so what's the point of being sad or moping around. Let's be active!  I have to say I really enjoyed the movie, I thought it was a good movie and realistic aswell.

So to help be more active I created a timetable for myself. Just a basic timetable with the days and hours. This helps me realise all the things I want to do and when I can fit it in. Ive been reading that successful people wake up at 5 and get a ton of stuff done before others are even awake. And heck I want to try it out!

I think we all get a bit down in the dumps (I think it's happens to me more often) but we can all get out of it! For me I'm a practical person so timetables and lists always help me organise my brain.

But I think even in Islam it's good to engage yourself in activities and keep your brain occupied. Not only physically but intellectually aswell.

Well I'm feeling rather hungry. So I'll see you with the results in a few weeks.

Sunday, 2 April 2017

Capturing my heart

I've been watching 13 reasons why on Netflix. It's been an interesting journey of suicidal thoughts and the teenage angst in high school. I feel enlightened to a certain degree (bearing in mind it is for entertainment) I feel like the message Hannah passes on to Clay is very similar to the one Virginia Woolf wrote to her husband before she committed suicide. I can't help but feel there's so much tragic beauty to these notes, so much beautiful poetry. I've always said there's so much beauty to sadness. 

      But you need to be here if I’m going to tell           my story. If I’m going to explain why I did what I did. Because you aren’t every other guy — you’re different. You’re good. And kind. And decent. And I didn’t deserve to be with someone like you. I never would. I would’ve ruined you. It was me and everything that’s happened to me."

(13 reasons why: Hannah's message to Clay )

       Dearest,

       You have given me the greatest possible            happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don’t think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I can’t fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can’t even write this properly. I can’t read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that – everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer.

I feel certain I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can’t concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do

I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been.

(Virginia Woolf's Suicide letter)

Wednesday, 29 March 2017

Dealing with numbness

So what I've come to realise is that over time sins that may be minor or major, if done over a period of time become less and less wrong in our eyes. However we justify it to ourselves ultimately the guilt erodes. Now I'm not saying this is acceptable however I am saying it happens. You can deal with it in different ways this is how I've been dealing with it. Ideally we shouldn't repeat the sin but for some it's hard and it becomes a sort of addiction.

First of all identify in your head it's wrong. And reprimand yourself.

Second of all, erase all resources to this sin. It's important to stay away from it even if you don't feel guilty. Continue to stay away and strive to do good deeds.

Lastly remind yourself of the punishments of this particular sin.

It might also be helpful to try and become closer to God in general. Make more effort to practise your Deen and gain closeness to Allah.

Thick enough?

I never realised how important it is to develop a thick skin. Not only is thick skin important for healing and when you get older ;) it's also important when experiencing life. I was watching a documentary about Michael Jackson the other day and continuously people would say he failed to develop a thick skin which resulted in his obsession with how others viewed him, he had a childlike mentality that didn't understand the world of the media where every action is scrutinized.  (I'm not discounting his alleged crimes of paedophilia that's a seperate story).

Ultimately his obsession to become the world's greatest artist drove him mad and drove him to depresion and insecurity. I don't think I can fully say I understand Michael Jackson but I can say this, he was extremely unique and talented but with this came his oddness;his bizarre obsession with children for one and his lack of ability to comprehend the world.

When I was watching this documentary I wondered to myself how much of a thick skin I have. Was I danger of becoming like MJ? I severely doubt it. But it's opened my eyes to the danger of being too weak and too fragile, it's important to experience harsh realities and learn how to deal with it. I feel that the placement I just finished helped me to do this.

This particular placement was by no means a walk in the park. I wish. It made me cry and honestly made me doubt my entire life. But it changed how I viewed things, life as sad as it is to say, will not be easy, I've come to accept this and I hope it can help me to my journey in helping others to realise this too.

The reason why I think it's important others learn this, is otherwise we fall into the danger of victimization and blaming the world, when in reality we need to change our perspective and toughen up.

Monday, 6 March 2017

Make a wish

What does it mean to be a good person? I know what it means to me. Infact I see some people and I'm like wow thank you for being alive. I'm glad there are people out there who care about others and the world.

I really aspire to be a person who can do right in the world. Who can inspire and motivate others. Who can spread kindness and wisdom to others. I want to be secure and comfortable enough within myself to be great with others and great in my relationships.

I wish goodness for all people out there however naive or cheesy it sounds I honestly wish everyone out there is doing alright and if they're aren't I hope it gets better.

I wish I can gain more confidence to be able to help others better. Here's to my wishing.

What im grateful for

I must say my post titled '23% complete' is one of my good posts, I don't know what's a bad post of mine (with no arrogance intended) maybe the posts where I'm not thinking enough or encouraging my readers to think more?

Anyhow I've been at placement for about a week now and I can honestly say I've learnt a lot. I've learnt practical skills but that's not what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about how grateful I am to be in a career where I can impact lives' daily, I sincerely hope I am helping others even in the smallest way.

I am grateful to be able to listen to others who have not been heard by society for a long time, those who are deemed as 'old' or 'forgotten' , I feel privileged to listen and provide comfort. I am grateful that I can aid others in their difficulties and make them feel better, because everyone needs to feel better sometimes.

I am grateful to be that someone who can make a difference when I had noone to make a difference in my life, I am grateful there are people who care.

Saturday, 4 February 2017

Sounds of silence

I was able to listen to someone's story of dealing with trauma. Someone who had lived through trauma. They didn't appear to have mental health issues infact they looked so sane so complete. So whole. But that was it, wasn't it? The icing on the cake noone has a set way of appearing or not appearing, they just are. They are not defined by their images, or personality, there's no need to be boxed in by typical patients just see people for who they are. Which are people.

For a long time they struggled until there was a time where they felt heard. They had been mute for some time but one day a nurse came along and sat with them, just sitting no intention of speaking, just close enough to be comforting. This one gesture was so comforting it envoked a burst of tears.

They said this was enough for them. The ordeal they had been through was so overwhelming it was hard to feel heard. What better way of being heard and understood but by being silent?

Now I can't imagine the amount of hardship they went through

It was honestly an amazing and gratifying experience to have spoken to someone who's so strong who's dealing with their issues instead of running away. (Like I had done) what I learnt was that listening like people are not to be boxed down. There's no way to listen. You just feel it, you put everything else aside and you sincerely be there in whatever form.

23% complete


I think im far too much of a dependent person. You know how some people are so dependent on others romantically that they become clingy and 'desperate' I think I'm like that. Not romantically, I don't have a love life...

I have friends. Normal ones. I feel the same way about them, I think I invest a lot of time and energy into friends I value, that's why it's destructive, I think I expect too much. Isn't that natural though? To give and expect? It's funny isn't it? When we think of human nature, so flawed, so weak. I get upset over things like my friends not asking after me, or even messaging to know if I'm still alive, but then we have God who gives but even when we don't pray to him (as an example) he stills helps us, still loves us, still blesses us.

Even as Muslims we don't expect God to give more and more just because we are obedient, there is no expectance of God to provide us with ultimate riches, good looks, spouses etc. Because our relationship with God is higher than that, better than that. I suppose if my friendships are less superficial, it wouldn't be like that. I will think this person doesn't care etc. But even then, I think I'm very flawed in the sense that I fall deeply for everyone. In my friendships, in love , in life. I'm just a disaster waiting to happen.

I will try change that. Work in progress I guess.

Daydreams

I was thinking about something. It came up when my teacher spoke about treatment for mental health patients. Some treatment like talk therapy including  discussing hypothetical situations for example what would you do if money was no object? Or what would you do if (your problem e.g. anxiety, insecurity, low confidence )wasn't a problem? The main focus of this was being able to discuss the fact there is hope. That this situation that the person is in, is not forever. Thats what is important, the ability to have hope that things could change given enough time, effort.

Just merely glancing into another reality or another dream brings you one step closer to being able to make it your reality. It would be slow of course, you try and attempt these wishes, slowly by slowly and make these dreams real. I was thinking how this doesn't even have to be treatment for someone who has a 'mental health' condition because for God's sake we all have mental health issues but not all of us are diagnosed.

I've just been thinking of a wonderful world of hope for myself, where I can be taken on a journey of self discovery and love. I think I'm going to compile a list of all the things I would do if I didn't need money and if I didn't have low self esteem, confidence, anxiety etc. I might even put it on here. Why don't you try it too? Maybe see all the things you're missing out on, then maybe you can have some hope too. Then we can stop day dreaming and wishing for more and start having more.

Wasalaam

Sunday, 29 January 2017

Lessons from the Qur'an

So I went to a talk the other day and Nouman Ali Khan was there and he talked about humility. I found it interesting as I've always wanted to be someone with humility so I suppose this is about what I learnt from his talk.

Saturday, 28 January 2017

Mind processing

Lets take some time to delve into our thoughts, how do thoughts really work? When we think something it appears in our mind and just as soon as it appeared, it can disappear... fascinating isn't it?

The ugly grey thing in our heads.

Somehow not everyone has the same organisation, I might call it, in our heads. Those with mental health do not anyway. (Yes its that time again) they have a range of thought disorder from abnormal beliefs; delusions, grandiosity etc to disorganised thinking including going off topic and loosening of association this means they are more likely to talk about unrelated topics (or it may appear unrelated to you, but in their head it may have a connection) they are more likely to discuss things that are unrealistic (or it may appear to you) but what I find is when we look at it, we aren't really all that different. We just call it different things.


Split and the Mental Health perspective

My opinion of the film, 'split'. I suppose because I study mental health I'm overly critical I apologise if you're not in the mood for a critical response. I just want everyone to love people like I do, sorry! The film was good, I liked the intensity, the acting I think I liked pretty much everything except the ending I really wish the media didn't take mental health as another plot twist. I'm afraid people don't care enough, that's why I get annoyed. In all honesty I don't get annoyed often so I'm glad I have a reason to be passionate (other than Islam ofc)

Wasalaam

Tuesday, 24 January 2017

Speaking Love Poetry

Hello readers, today I share some of my infamous love poetry (Yeah right) through spoken word (although its more like me just reading it). I hope to post more videos of my poetry, short stories and general discussion of books and poetry!
 
 

Sunday, 22 January 2017

Black Sheep

As I was sitting in class the other day, I was thinking how many of us think we are 'normal'?
How many of us think those with mental health conditions are in some way not normal?
You wouldn't be wrong, I mean by definition normal is c o n f o r m i n g , u s u a l , t y p i c a l , the most boring words I've ever heard in my life and I haven't been alive long (that's saying something). Normal is definitely not someone who has a mental health condition. They are not normal.

In fact they don't even think normally! Their thoughts are so different to someone who's normal,
 
in fact they are wild ; different ; intelligent
 
now the reason i say this is because they see the world differently, their logic is different. Its insightful sometimes to listen to someone who sees and hears different things (I'm not trying to glamorise mental health in any way) I suppose I like learning from them like they learn from me. 

 the shared norms and values we are socialised (or as I like to think of it, brainwashed) to believe in ultimately make us feel justified to feel superior to any other norm or value- and that folks is the reason why we find those who don't follow norms and values abnormal ergo mentally unwell people.

Now, I would like to tell you my friend, we are friends right? we've known eachother long enough so don't leave me hanging, most of us are unwell probably more often than we like to admit. (You're not kidding anybody, bill) So infact we are all pretending we follow these 'norms' when we don't even really, stuck in this contorted reality that makes us look down on others and stupidly ourselves aswell.

Let me break it down for you, mentally unwell people like those with Schizophrenia may not have had the same upbringing as someone from a stable background (parents, education etc.) that is why they may have difficulty inferring meanings or social expectations this can sometimes lead to them acting in a 'bizarre' way, for instance a question as simple as 'how is everything?' to you and I it might be asking how are you, youre family, your general living etc. but to someone who is mentally unwell their understanding may be anything from how is your hygiene to how the world is therefore they may break off into a tangent, but to be fair, I totally get where they are coming from, everything  is bloody vague , what kind of a question is that! and anyway I would like a more comprehensive answer, its refreshing once in a while, from the boring reserved British 'fine' or 'good, thanks'.

What it is, essentially, is a need for society to make themselves feel better, like they fit in, deep inside we are all worried we are not good enough or we are not normal. We are moral threats to society.
each and every one of us.

And who's in charge? Well you are. You are in charge of yourself. It starts with you, I suppose.

Good luck.

Thursday, 19 January 2017

I've been lying to you

It's a sad time. A very sad time. The truth is I've been lying to you.

I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me?

I don't even wanna say it but the reality is I'm not as despondent as I appear. I'm not even as weak as I make out to be. I underestimate myself so much I end up believing the lies. I'm sorry it came to this but the truth is I'm great. And the people I meet, yikes they're even greater, I've learnt so much from those around me, and it's time I start to make the most out of it. I could probably get through what I'm dealing with now a lot more easily if I didn't spoil myself so much.

See the thing is, I think we all get like this. We all forget how good we have it. (Not every case) some of us (like me) have no reason to be confused or sad, but we are, because we are faking our weaknesses (in our minds) so we need to stop and start being awesome. (Hey Barney Stinson)


Im so silly, anytime it's a little bit tough I say "you don't deserve this, princess, let's go, right now" and that's it. It's that stupid reasoning of me being treated like a gold member a VIP and in fact I'm not a VIP, hey let's not take it out of context, it's good to be VIP once in a while, but sometimes it's good to take the dirt, roll in it if you want, but take the damn dirt for once, stop saying 'im a princess' you'll never experience life if you live like a princess, and unfortunately life will always be hard, so you either suck it up now or forever be a pompous potatoe!

And trust me, noone wants to be a potatoe, especially not a pompous one!

Here's to not being pompous potatoes! (Let's raise a glass of water, here here)


And....That's a wrap folks.

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Survival of the fittest

How does one survive a 12hr shift you might ask? Well nurses do it everyday and they make it look easy (some do some don't) I'm compiling a list of how to get through the toughest days of my life. Maybe I'm exaggerating slightly I only find the mornings difficult but anyway, without further ado I present the toughest survival guide in history:

1) wear comfortable shoes. Don't try and look cute like me just wear the ugly shoes.

2) try out medical socks. I'm planning on buying these to see if they help. Other students swear by it, so we'll put it to the test!

3) be organised. Prepare outfit,lunch etc. the day before.

4)do things that you enjoy like reading, watching dramas etc. Be yourself I suppose. The reason I mention this is when we get all stressed out or under pressure we focus on that and forget the things we enjoy which does not help the situation!

5) talk to others in the same situation. Chat to them, cry about it and let it all out!

6) try and exercise all negativity away.

7) remember your goals and read inspirational quotes to keep you going. I like rocky balboas speech I think it has spunk.

8) please don't wake up so early. If you need half an hour you don't need to wake up 1 hour earlier, don't make your life longer than it has to be.

I don't have anymore. So I don't know if it's definite but the plan is to try and stick with university. I'm praying it goes well.

Sunday, 15 January 2017

A spiral of stairs

I've been thinking about the person I want to be, the person I'm not. The person I'll probably never be. And yes, I know my defeatist attitude isn't going to get me anywhere but neither is unrealistic ideas.

The reality is until I become my confident and have higher self esteem I am going to be this way for a long time. I'm working on it, I suppose, it's one of those things where you accept yourself and work with what you have until slowly by slowly you get a little more of yourself, it slowly unravels and then sooner or later you are whole again.

Why is it, that inorder to give up, move on or change direction in life you need some big great experience to make it justifiable to those around us? You don't have to have experienced something terrible like a death, you don't have to have worked yourself into the ground, you don't have to have lost who you are to want to leave. You can leave anytime you want, just make sure you do want to and you're not leaving in the moment.

I think giving up is great. It takes real courage to give up and acknowledge that this is not working and maybe a new chapter needs to be opened. But it is also courageous to keep going and try and see if it just needs time. I think both are courageous because they both take confidence in your decisions. They both need you to put your foot down and stop listening to others. Noone else lives your life for you, if only it were that simple, when people say "don't give up, it's only a few months" or "you need to work harder" if only you could say you live my life for me then, if it's that simple.

Ultimately the decision is your own so regardless of who is saying it to you you need to be confident in what you think and what you say. It never is simple. Because as much as someone wants to continue or not continue, the way the person is, their mentality, their priorities will always override how able they are to carry out their decisions.

I prioritise my sanity, more often than not I feel a little bit insane. I'm using this word loosely because I know it's associated with mental health but in all honesty I think everyone is insane. So carry on with your judgements or sneering if you wish.

I don't know if anyone has ever been so confused. In the middle of two paths. Maybe a president or a politician, seems like a very accurate comparison.

Well anyway, I am off.

Wasalaam

Saturday, 14 January 2017

Yellow brick road

As long as I have you, I think I'll be okay. I really mean that.

      I found this study online thats looking for participants, and I was thinking why don't I partake? It seems quite interesting to be honest and you get paid in vouchers. Thats totally unrelated but anyway I think sometimes its easy to think, that when you're old, or 'older' you should automatically know what you are going to do, in fact I think it is the most scariest thing leaving everything you know, leaving all stability, and what do you know, I went and done that. I left stability because I think theres something better for me out there, somewhere, I hope.

I certainly thought, maybe I still do, deep down that having a career, or a job is the next step of being an adult, its the token of being an adult, like youre finally moving down the yellow brick road to destiny. Then comes marriage and the baby in the carriage (yeah right!) but in all seriousness I think sometimes, we forget that the notion of stability doesnt come from a career or a social expectation in society, it comes from within ourselves and our conviction in God. Ive been thinking about this and realising this too.

I think for the most part, I'm confused, but content, and trying to get closer to God.

Saturday, 7 January 2017

Back here again

So this decision I have come to, it scares the hell out of me. I am not going to pretend I am sure about the future, because I am not. I am terrified of what I am going to do next, I just know I cant stay where I am because the hours are too demanding, and quite frankly I miss a part of myself I think I left behind. I need to combine my love for helping others with my love for Deen, and perhaps the route I was taking made me neglectful of my faith.

But even then, these words seem silly. I am just once again, at crossroads.

Long ago


(This post was meant to be published in September 2016)

I know I have not been writing I think I've been preoccupied with watching Daria. I was going to attempt to say I have lots of work but I haven't so I'm not even going to go there! Or if I do it doesn't feel like it!
Anyway I have been the worst when it comes to looking decent in university. I wake up and I just wear anything sometimes I'll wear the same scarf like twice (which is no biggie except when you are wearing the exact same outfit every day, the scarf should atleast change right? Well appears not for me!)
I don't know its not like I feel unhappy I don't dress up I kind of just think I should at least make minimal effort. I mean it's good in a way I can go without makeup and nice outfits. It's good to be on the other side sometimes, make myself feel a little bit more normal.
I've been reading a lot more not really related to my outfit because I always have enough time to dress up in the morning anyway. Plus I read to and from university
I think my point is, as unusual as it is for me, considering the time i was crazy about dressing up a lot, its good to not care about our appearance sometimes. Its good to focus on other parts of ourselves(like our brain?).
Its also good to keep in touch with a more deeper side of ourself.