Friday, 6 October 2017

Bookin'dot yeah

Hey you know what I realised? If there's something you wanna do, something you might be interested in but you're not quite sure where to start or maybe it's all quite overwhelming to even start it, try reading about it!

Now hang on, let me finish.
I've always loved running but I stopped a few years ago then I read Haruki Murakami's what I talk about when I talk about running- as soon as I read the blurb it ignited my previous passion for running. Don't get me wrong I didn't start running immediately, it was a few months after I got into it then I stopped but I eventually returned and I can honestly say it was that book+ my passion. I just felt so inspired by it and deep down I knew I was a runner that needed to run eventually.

But in between I guess I just liked reading sports memoirs because I found them interesting to learn about but it definitely helped me somewhere in my subconscious to push myself aswell! I'm doing that with writing too, I've been reading how to write books and it's helped me write a bit more because I've never been good with story writing I'm more of a poetry gal, but I know deep down I can write a story it may take forever but I have that time.

I suppose it doesn't even have to be books even attending classes about it too,  my local library do free writing classes (which I always end up missing :/) but its good to do research like you would in anything you go into. Now in the back of my head I want to start a business but I don't think I could do it now, so I'm going to read up on it first see if it's a viable route. I also like learning about how people become successful. Basically in an attempt to become a better me, I read etc. About it.

I want to be more confident - read about it maybe go to life coaching
I want to be a better runner or even run a half marathon - read about it! Watch documentaries!
You get the gist. I suppose just apply it to your own individual situation. What do you want to do? In a way it's also about realising your passion. I never knew I liked running so much but the fact it was always there in my head obviously meant something. It's the same with writing a book even though I'm rubbish with committing to it, its always there. What's deep down in your head that is reminding you it's your passion?

I know not everyone works like this, it depends if you learn better like this. It helps me process things better, I know some people who are super confident could just do it and probably succeed but I guess I'm not like that. Its about knowing yourself too I suppose. In any case knowledge is always invaluable.

See how it goes. Try it out and see for yourself if it works for you.

Sunday, 1 October 2017

im scared

i feel kind of scared.
thats why i keep running.
i keep leaving everywhere i settle down
i dont want to be scared
but its ingrained within me
somewhere in my mind
when it seems like i might not be able to stay
when it seems like i cant 
i know i should run
and i listen
because i cant
keep continuing
yes im running with the doubt
i just believe it so easily
i keep falling for its lies
and i just leave easily
like i was never there
i dont want to carry it anymore
i dont want to be the burden
you're not

it's me 
the perpetual dissappointment
im sure it would be nice to talk about me to others
and say im doing something great with my life
 only im not
so theres not much to say about me and the only thing you can say is
im unemployed
suddenly all other things about me fly away
and theyve flown far up into the sky its so distant 
what a weird situation
no one cares about the other stuff
i didnt either

its great isnt it
to feel better than others
to feel greater
makes you feel high up on the clouds
makes you feel like youre doing so well
i get it

how could you?

its good to change
what a hypocritical thing to say

anyway im sorry for not being able to make you proud to be related to me
im sorry im not normal
im sorry for not being more loving
im sorry for not being like others
doing good things
doing things that arent weird
im sorry for not fitting in
i guess im just sorry for being me. 

i forgot i loved you

I think I forgot what I used to love in the midst of all the confusion to who I am. In a world where so many expectations and pressures are thrown towards us is it anyone wonder we all are scared to think differently?I'm not an exception-I'm afraid to be different too. Sometimes I'm a bit of an impostor
I want to be this unconventional different kind of a girl and I end up being more conformed than I wanted.


Well I'm a bit afraid to talk about what I really believe in because sometimes I have to check myself to see if that's what I really believe in and it's not something I say to make excuses for myself,no i mustn't be too hard on myselfI've had enough of it for now
I think my mental health may play a part in stopping me from doing things I want to but it's okay because me MH have agreed on a few things and although I'm not expecting any roses on valentines day, its better to be friends with my enemy than against it. So like I already said on IV my battle plans are ready.

What I mean by talking about what I believe in is, as you know I left university and then i got a job! which i also left...
That was mainly because of my mental health and recently I havent been very stable in my mental health to return to work. But im taking it slow. In any case my unemployment does not bother me as much as it seems to bother others. I wonder why. Some people just find it weird. yes its also obviously my own insecurity in a world where working is so normal so satisfying how do i explain that 1. i cant handle it 2. im still trying to figure out what i want from life 3. i have a few things that make me happy that doesnt include working right now, maybe it will change. maybe it wont. who knows. 4. i like doing meaningful charity things 
all in a conversation that began with ' so what are you doing? working or studying?'
unfortunately there's no option that covers that complexity of my situation dear society.

and i dont particularly like opening up to every random individual that most likely does not have any interest. so i usually say im looking for work or that im volunteering and doing charity work which is half true, the second part anyway. I have looked at job listings but not applied so its kind of true, and theres no conditions for trueness if its somewhat true i guess ill have to make the conditions as it being 'true'.
if anyone has a different defintion let me know and i may consider it. may.
notice how i havent been correcting the capital letter anymore in my writing, it looks better to me but i didnt want to annoy anyone. be annoyed.

the reason why i think i forgot what i love is because ive been so caught up in my mental health which im pretty sure most of my family dont get. but it doesnt bother me too much. noone really understand my mind, sometimes i dont. so i dont think anyone has a fair shot im afraid.
anyhow i like running so i want to continue running laps i did start then i stopped because my mp3 wouldnt charge. plan is to fix it.
i like cycling too. and sudoku. i like you too. so i want to be on here more. 
i also like my garden alot. 

have you read catcher in the rye? its a really different kind of book. try it you might like it.

Sunday, 17 September 2017

Double take

What I've realised recently is that when you watch/read something twice you get a better understanding and a whole new perspective. I watched two of my favourite dramas like three times (I loved them so much) and I understood the drama so much better, parts that I didn't understand were much clearer and I got a better idea of the characters and their intentions. This is true with books too, I've never read a book twice but when I've read a surah more than once I do have different feelings and I can get more meaning from it too. So why don't you try it? Read/watch something you love and see if you can get more from it.

The two dramas were: Master's Sun & King of High School

The Surah: Surah Mulk

REVISED: Kdrama Addicts


If you haven't read the Kdrama addiction post ( it might be hard to understand the references I make in this post- if you want to you can look at it otherwise just figure it out. I know previously I have said watching Kdramas are bad and blah blah, but as I've matured and I am not so addicted I can say it's not a bad influence anymore because it's taught me things. Initially I felt insecure by Korean beauty standards but now I think I feel more secure in myself because I know I'm happy with my race, my beauty and where I come from. I think I can happily admire and appreciate Korean Culture without it affecting my self confidence. I think that has come from a place where I've learnt how to be grateful for everything and work on my love for myself. Also I've come to love cheesy clichés, I know I've said I didn't like it in the past, but Japanese cliches seem to really be a favourite of mine, I think that's because I like the stereotypical shy awkward girl (I'm a real life version of that, that's probably why), I can relate to her and as silly as it sounds seeing that others people in the dramas/movies like that makes me think that people will like me in all my weirdness.

I've also become better with how often I watch Kdramas or any sort of east Asian drama, I like watching them but I'm not obsessed anymore, I think I have more self control now. So for any Kdramas addicts out there who under my advice cut themselves off from Kdramas, hurrah!

I think it's good to be interested in some things like dramas, sometimes fangirling can be fun too. Although I don't really do that anymore, I don't really fangirl over anyone.

Tuesday, 5 September 2017


Guys I need your help! I'm fundraising money for Islamic Help for Palestinian and Syrian refugees by trekking a waterfall which is similar to mountain trekking, any donation big or small is valued even passing it on!

The link is just there ---->

I'll post the URL here too,


Sunday, 3 September 2017

Chocolate Bandwagons

I feel like sometimes when someone upsets another person or a person's negative habits arise people are quite quick to jump on the bandwagon and label that as their 'characteristic' or them being well known for that particular behaviour which of course is not true, sometimes people act out of character when pushed and obviously sometimes it is their negative habit but sometimes it's not.

And I think the sometimes it's not is important. Because when we focus on the fact that this person is 'like that' we forget that sometimes we can also be 'like that'. We all are a little bit selfish, a little vain, a little petty, a little too confrontational: sometimes. Just because at that time it wasn't you doesn't mean it hasn't or counldnt be you.

Sometimes I get really annoyed with my sister and I think God why are they like that, and then I think that about another sister and usually it goes around until my whole family has had that thought from me, so what does that mean? Does it mean everyone is abnormally annoying and I am perfect? No it just means everyone has bad days and everyone has bad flaws, and also the part I forget is that I'm sure my family members think I'm annoying too and label me with 'being too .... ' Etc etc.

Moral of the story folks is work on yourself and stop being so quick to point the finger in other people's directions.

Tuesday, 15 August 2017

Well done

There's an incredible feeling when you run
Not at the beginning right at the end
The moment when you know you're nearly finished if you're like me you like a big dramatic finish to your run so you run speedily, like lightning almost as fast as Usain Bolt. In those moments I certainly feel like my legs could take me anywhere, like they're not my legs, but a machine that doesn't stop until I say so. The out-of-breath collapsing feeling after youre finished is great too. You're done. You win.

Yes you win, because you set out to run and you did
Well done.

Sunday, 13 August 2017


One minute you're thinking you're gonna spend the rest of your life with this person. Planning little things, imagining how this will be how that'll be. And suddenly in the blink of an eye- they're gone. Wiped from your memory almost. Like they never existed. It's hard to even grasp their physical presence. It's hard to even imagine that they were a part of your life. It's weird isn't it? How absence can grow mold on memories how it can wither away, how the brain can just try to forget (because you told it to) and all those feelings and emotions once so passionate, and do or die, are now floating in the back of your mind, how funny is it, that something so serious to us can become so insignificant to us so instantaneously? (For some)

The thing I keep really thinking is- what does it all really mean? Does it mean that it meant nothing? Was it all superficial feelings with no substance? Or is it the brain's desperate attempt at denial? A form of protection to our fragile heart?  If it did mean nothing what are feelings then? Do they mean nothing? Are they just for the time being, the live-in-the-moments?

I guess I have no clue. But I'd like to think my feelings aren't as silly and schoolgirl/boy like as they appear to be, that deep down my head is deciding that in order to cope in order to move forward in order to accept a decision that the other CHOSE we (my head and my heart) must go on, with or without them, because survival isn't an option, it's coercion, and therefore my brain is purposefully choosing to erase and choosing to shut down. Which I can't fault my brain on that, it's only doing what it knows best. So you keep going brain, you do what you know. And I'll do what I know and together we can help my heart overcome this. 

Thank you

I've been going on a journey- a journey to a better self. A higher version of who I am or who I can be. I've been doing more and just generally more happier. It's also made me think how life doesn't have to be riches and luxury to be enjoyable simply being happy with what you have and not comparing lives is enough. I've been being more thankful in life. Or trying to be. Trying to say thanks more- to God, to people, to everything. Thank you world for everything you bring and everything I've taken. Thank you God for my brilliant mind and me being content with my own company.

Saturday, 5 August 2017

Jordan Catalano

This is Jordan Catalano

That guy who you never really understood
but somehow he was so mysterious
and intriguing
you somehow found yourself admiring

or hes the idiot bad boy in school
that you liked because he defied expectations

Jordan for me represented my first real experience (interaction) with a guy
hes so similar to Jordan its weird

I saved Jordan Catalano as my wallpaper, somehow I like his character eventhough hes so unbelievably dense, I think he has something
hes a nice guy underneath it all

Sunday, 23 July 2017

The girl that died

There is a Greek myth of a girl that died and her belongings were left on the ground and because the basket was so heavy the acanthus plant grew outwards but the top remained flat, and that is why the Corinthian structure looks the way it does. (according to the myth)

Yes, there's no story of why the girl died, who this girl is, etc. etc. information that would be very informative and useful only that she died. Sorry folks, that's the myth, I didn't get much from the Greeks!

Update: I've been self-studying on Khan Academy, Art History in fact, I've always been fascinated by Art and History and I realised there's a thing called Art History! They have exams and all sorts, really interesting and I've been really enjoying it! There's no commitment to it, so even if I lose interest or give up, its down to me which is good. I didn't always like mythology but I've come to really like it.

 I like the fact that I know these cool random facts, reminds me of someone who used to tell me random                                   facts. 
                            I know I'm being so vague, who is this person that used to tell me random facts?! When did this happen? And why haven't I, the ever loyal writer updated you? Well it's not like me to hide things, or act like I don't want to talk about it. I do, I do want to talk about it, first though. I need to say I'm no role model, I have my flaws so don't always take my word. I know I have wise sayings (COUGH COUGH, DO YOU?) but this blog is really just an outlet its not meant to influence in a bad way, take the good and leave the bad. 

This blog has become very similar to IV which isn't a bad thing, it's because I've changed. Also my style of writing, what I write about has also changed. Its become about me, which again isn't bad. I promise, all that has happened will be revealed. In pieces. I have no idea, what will happen. But if i'm honest sometimes it hurts, other times its alright. I am excited about everything in my life, i'm excited about life in general. All the opportunities and hopes and dreams. I have a lot to tell you.

This post is very muddled there's no real moral of the story, take what you will, reader. I'll leave you with something someone said to me, you should know your heart; it should be content, no need for want, happy to be without and no attachment to a person or thing, happy with God and yourself.  

Friday, 30 June 2017


Some may ask, wasn't your confidence knocked when you were told you weren't good enough?

Doesn't it make you wary of future meetings?

The simple answer is no.
No because I never had much confidence to begin with.

Sunday, 25 June 2017

First Eid

It's the first Eid I havent in a long time been to Eid prayer at the mosque, this time I prayed it at home.

It's also the first time I went to the cemetery on Eid. I went to visit my Dad. It's weird seeing a slab stone with his name- what's funny is we couldn't find it and we found another stone with his name but the age was wrong and the date of his death, it's funny how two people can die with the same names and different times and mean so much to different people. It's funny how I stared at the stone trying to make more of my Dad than just words written down, than just letters that make up his name, and numbers that make up his age, and everything and nothing that makes up the memory of him.

It seems like the memory of him is a distant memory eventhough it was last year he was alive. Why does it feel like he didn't really exist? Why does it feel like he vanished? It was last year he wanted to talk to me, it was last year I was doing nursing, it was last year I had a breakdown. So many lasts but so many firsts this year.

It's been 6 months and25 days since he died. And in three days it'll be 7months.

7 whole months. And yet it feels so normal like nothing has happened. I feel like an Eid well spent is an Eid that you have wondered upon, where you remember or where you appreciate. I appreciate you Dad. And I love you.

Sunday, 14 May 2017

Happy music

Life takes us through so many hurdles, so many journeys so many discoveries of ourselves. Do we ever just sit and think about how we came to be the person that we are now?

I know I have been through a whirlwind of different personalities, different phases, feelings, thoughts, dreams. However I have remained somewhat constant- what I admire about myself is that I believe in myself (not necessarily my abilities) but I believe and support my actions regardless, and ... I'm glad I have strong principles, I guess it makes me who I am. Despite what I've had to sacrifice for them.

Over the years I've always wondered who I'd be. In fact when I was younger I would dream of how I would be when I was older. (Older being past 20's)

I'd imagine I would magically transform into this strong, independent, accomplished woman. And it would somehow come to be at this magical transition to adulthood. Oh how I would tell myself it's not that simple. Life is not that simple. We never lose ourselves as we get older, as much we change and grow there's always a little part of us that remains young and inspired, young and naive, young and childish. I have changed in a better more positive way. I've realised many things which I want to share with you now. First of all:

If you believe in something, religious or non religious, if you believe it's right then stick to it. Personally I'm glad I've stuck to what I believe in, makes me feel confident in my beliefs.

Second, never ever. Ever. Let someone tell you who you are, what you are, don't let someone put you down. As many faults we as humans have, no one has the right to make us feel bad about it (to an extent they may, if for example you did something horrendous like beat someone up) especially if you are working on it yourself. What I'm trying to say is, love yourself dear, love yourself like noone else ever could. Damn, I went through so much self-hate and low self esteem because of other people, I don't want anyone else to go through that.

Surround yourself in positivity and positive people who encourage, support and love you for you.

Find out what you like. What I've learnt over these few years is that things I always dismissed by saying 'thats not me' or 'im not that kinda person' but never really trying has made me miss so many wonderful opportunities! Girl, or boy, you don't know what you like! Not yet, we always grow, give it a go! I always thought I wasn't a fundraising kinda girl,  but I realised I don't like the boring money bucket raising and I don't really like interacting with other volunteers all the time, but that is exactly why fundraising challenges were the right path for me! I am in control of it and it's a fun way to raise money for great causes! Same with my mental health nursing, I always knew I liked mental health but I didn't know anything about nursing, I'm glad I did it, I learnt more about mental health and it made me less ignorant ALHAMDULILAH for less ignorance in the world #fightignorancelikeitsyourenemy my point is don't write things off. Please for your own growth don't ever write things perhaps even people.

If you get down easily, let's say you're in depression right now. What I've learnt about myself is, I get down easily, I get demotivated easily. When we want motivation we should take SMALL steps to our goals. Small steps are the best. They ease you in to the goal. Always start small. Finding it difficult to wake up before noon, set your alarm five to ten minutes earlier. And increase every day. You can do it! I personally am demotivated right now in this phase of life. 

I like to read so I encourage as much reading as I can, and I also like fundraising so I'm planning to do more of that. I guess I'm trying to help myself slowly. Eventhough my body is saying faster faster mentally im feeling foggy, so im taking it slow.

Generally I'm a solitary person with my biggest companion being myself. I find most people don't understand me. I do have a rare friend that really gets me. She's great. I wish I could see her more. But most people don't get me. So I guess I become very sarcastic and horrid (in my head) towards others, yes it's not great , yes I should change that, you try being in a world where no one understands you, it sucks ok!

Anyway my point is, there is a point I swear! Even if you aren't a solitary person find comfort in yourself and if you are cherish and nurture your own company, reason being so you can rely less on others and achieve your own dreams.

I didn't realise I had so many dreams that relied on other people. Like the movie how to be single showed, we shouldn't rely on someone else. For me, I've always wanted to drive to the beach when no one else is around and just be hypnotized by the sea.

I want to hike more often up mountains, and run marathons (for charities) and swim better. I want to volunteer abroad and read more, learn more! I want to write more and publish my work inshaAllah. I want to impact people in any way, small or big, I want my life to have meaning to those around me. I want to dispel my own stereotypes and rid my own ignorance, I want to be more, I want to be better.

So you know what I want to do, and maybe you should think about what you want to do! I'm taking driving lessons inshaAllah my dreams, slowly but surely they'll come true, with my own help.

I guess with me, I love being in awe, being grateful (not that I am always) and learning about myself. Recently I've discovered I'm a lot more jealous, anti-social, ignorant, possessive than I thought I was. I also have plans on becoming a better me rid of these (hopefully as least of them as possible please!) Qualities.

I have so much to learn from others, I have realised that too. How to be, how to react, in a way that's understanding and loving. I always say this to myself as a joke, but you guys can hear seeing as I love you guys, inside my head I always say 'im everyone's mother, obviously with me I'm either super loving to people (you can't always see it overtly) or I'm a super hater. I have issues, deal with it.

But most of the time I care a lot about everyone around me (excuse the ones who are not willing to change, if for example they committed a crime ) and I always pray for them in my head. I guess I'm more of a 11yr old mother to everyone. In the sense that I have mood swings with my so-called-children.

It's not meant to be weird btw. It's just something I say to myself when I fret about people. One time I think a guy was crossing on the road and he nearly got hit by a car and I was like 'what is he doing! Doesn't he know I'm so worried!' and then I laughed to myself thinking I'm everyone's mother.

Okay excuse my weirdness. Anyway those are some things I've learnt. I'm unemployed right now. Looking for work. Yup. I'm not unhappy though I'm content. Alhamdulilah.

That was random. This blog has evolved have you realised? I used to be so strict with my topics and not personal information etc. But please you guys are my readers, you need to know me to love me! (Psyche!)

Anyway I'm off, assalamualaikum .

Monday, 8 May 2017

Finding Colin Firth

I just finished reading Finding Colin Firth and I cannot tell you how amazing this book is! Mia March is definitely a gem of a writer who needs to write more! I've realised Stephen King and Mia March both come from Maine where their stories  are usually set. I feel like I know Maine better, if I were ever to go there. I've gotta tell you Maine seems like a warm and loving place, a absolutely wonderful place for a vacation.

This book by the title might make you think it's just another romance book to toss aside, think again folks! This book is more than just romance, it's inspiring, it looks at three characters lives' and their very real problems and how they deal with them, I wouldn't say it's completely realistic because reality is different for everyone but it made me think about life in a different way, made me feel more hope, certainly made me love pie more! One of the characters is an amazing Baker and she even puts a recipe down, if not for the book, atleast take the recipe!

All jokes aside, I rarely come across a book thats so inspiring and hopeful, with three beautifully strong women, it's a feel good book and I guess I read it at a point where I needed to feel good.

With me, I usually read books to escape my own problems, sometimes for entertainment, to pass time, this time I was looking for a book to relate to. I related to these characters, to their hopes, dreams, realities in ways I didn't expect. And I'm so glad I read this book, it is definitely a favourite of mine, and I don't declare such favouritism easily. Stephen King took some time to get there! (And that's Stephen King,yo). Its been a long time since I've had the urge to continue a book into the night, and I'm glad Mia it was yours.

Wednesday, 3 May 2017

Hakuna Matata

So I made a decision recently. And to this day I'm still unsure of whether it was the right one. That's the thing isn't it? How do you know that this path is the right path? That this is the path of good and great things? I guess you don't. You just take risks and carve a way out for yourself.

God. I love it. I love not knowing what's going on it's so different and unconventional and daring. In a world where rules govern society isn't it amazing to forget them? To live freely? To forget what others expect and just jump off that cliff? I went to climb Mount Snowdon the other day and it was o beautiful and refreshing and I thought wht if life could just be about living these experiences and being in awe of life and the nature that surrounds us?

Some may think it's an excuse that I'm just lazy and I'll say anything to excuse getting out of hard work. Which if I'm honest you might be right. But so what, as long as I live ,I want my life to be about happiness and contentment and focusing on things that are important to me. I don't want to live my life regretting the time I wasted, or the career that died when I died. I guess you could say I had some sort of an epiphany.

I left university, that's the big thing. And my tutor had a go at me, she was hella annoyed. Oh well. I need time to focus on God and my spirituality, I think I need my whole life for it. Not just a little bit of time. I don't want sadness and yeah it might be that I can learn to adapt and manage life better but I trust my instincts and I know when things aren't working. I know God wanted me to do Mental Health Nursing and I'm sorry for not being able to impact people with mental health issues it might not be the time for me.

I felt like I was going against my fate when I did istikhara twice for this and both times I felt positive signs and dreams to stay in it, and now I've left. But ive come to realise it might not be that it was my fate forever it might have been my fate for a while. I'm not sure, as for fate if I've left have I altered my fate to a bad one? If I had stayed would it have been a better one?

I have absolutely no clue. And I suppose there's no point in thinking about it either. I've been reading more. I feel better.

Hakuna Matata

Saturday, 22 April 2017


There was something amazing about the day I finished placement. (Did I tell you I hated it?) I felt free and I felt so grateful I was able to walk around without worrying about going home to prepare for my next shift. There was some new found magic in the air and I felt like I was walking on water. But without this experience I don't think the moment I finished would've been as amazing as it was. It honestly felt like a bazillion fireworks going off and I was dancing with joy. Maybe there's a lesson in it, some gratitude I need to obtain in all of these horrid encounters with people because things happen for a reason. Maybe that's one of the reasons.



Wednesday, 12 April 2017

Being single

I have been thinking about something. Recently I feel my time is useless like I'm not using my time as good as I could be. I watched How to be single yesterday (yes you do have to skip alot of the scenes) and throughout the whole movie she is hell-bent on finding a guy and she goes through different guys wondering why it didn't work out and I was kinda sucked in too thinking damn why can't she find a guy, but then she had this epiphany where she decided she would focus on herself and she started doing more like going to the gym and cycling and all sorts of cool stuff, honestly it was empowering just to see that change in her. And it inspired me aswell, not that I'm looking for a guy just to do more with my life, at the end of the day we control our lives, how we feel so what's the point of being sad or moping around. Let's be active!  I have to say I really enjoyed the movie, I thought it was a good movie and realistic aswell.

So to help be more active I created a timetable for myself. Just a basic timetable with the days and hours. This helps me realise all the things I want to do and when I can fit it in. Ive been reading that successful people wake up at 5 and get a ton of stuff done before others are even awake. And heck I want to try it out!

I think we all get a bit down in the dumps (I think it's happens to me more often) but we can all get out of it! For me I'm a practical person so timetables and lists always help me organise my brain.

But I think even in Islam it's good to engage yourself in activities and keep your brain occupied. Not only physically but intellectually aswell.

Well I'm feeling rather hungry. So I'll see you with the results in a few weeks.

Sunday, 2 April 2017

Capturing my heart

I've been watching 13 reasons why on Netflix. It's been an interesting journey of suicidal thoughts and the teenage angst in high school. I feel enlightened to a certain degree (bearing in mind it is for entertainment) I feel like the message Hannah passes on to Clay is very similar to the one Virginia Woolf wrote to her husband before she committed suicide. I can't help but feel there's so much tragic beauty to these notes, so much beautiful poetry. I've always said there's so much beauty to sadness. 

      But you need to be here if I’m going to tell           my story. If I’m going to explain why I did what I did. Because you aren’t every other guy — you’re different. You’re good. And kind. And decent. And I didn’t deserve to be with someone like you. I never would. I would’ve ruined you. It was me and everything that’s happened to me."

(13 reasons why: Hannah's message to Clay )


       You have given me the greatest possible            happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don’t think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I can’t fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can’t even write this properly. I can’t read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that – everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer.

I feel certain I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can’t concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do

I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been.

(Virginia Woolf's Suicide letter)

Wednesday, 29 March 2017

Dealing with numbness

So what I've come to realise is that over time sins that may be minor or major, if done over a period of time become less and less wrong in our eyes. However we justify it to ourselves ultimately the guilt erodes. Now I'm not saying this is acceptable however I am saying it happens. You can deal with it in different ways this is how I've been dealing with it. Ideally we shouldn't repeat the sin but for some it's hard and it becomes a sort of addiction.

First of all identify in your head it's wrong. And reprimand yourself.

Second of all, erase all resources to this sin. It's important to stay away from it even if you don't feel guilty. Continue to stay away and strive to do good deeds.

Lastly remind yourself of the punishments of this particular sin.

It might also be helpful to try and become closer to God in general. Make more effort to practise your Deen and gain closeness to Allah.

Thick enough?

I never realised how important it is to develop a thick skin. Not only is thick skin important for healing and when you get older ;) it's also important when experiencing life. I was watching a documentary about Michael Jackson the other day and continuously people would say he failed to develop a thick skin which resulted in his obsession with how others viewed him, he had a childlike mentality that didn't understand the world of the media where every action is scrutinized.  (I'm not discounting his alleged crimes of paedophilia that's a seperate story).

Ultimately his obsession to become the world's greatest artist drove him mad and drove him to depresion and insecurity. I don't think I can fully say I understand Michael Jackson but I can say this, he was extremely unique and talented but with this came his oddness;his bizarre obsession with children for one and his lack of ability to comprehend the world.

When I was watching this documentary I wondered to myself how much of a thick skin I have. Was I danger of becoming like MJ? I severely doubt it. But it's opened my eyes to the danger of being too weak and too fragile, it's important to experience harsh realities and learn how to deal with it. I feel that the placement I just finished helped me to do this.

This particular placement was by no means a walk in the park. I wish. It made me cry and honestly made me doubt my entire life. But it changed how I viewed things, life as sad as it is to say, will not be easy, I've come to accept this and I hope it can help me to my journey in helping others to realise this too.

The reason why I think it's important others learn this, is otherwise we fall into the danger of victimization and blaming the world, when in reality we need to change our perspective and toughen up.

Monday, 6 March 2017

Make a wish

What does it mean to be a good person? I know what it means to me. Infact I see some people and I'm like wow thank you for being alive. I'm glad there are people out there who care about others and the world.

I really aspire to be a person who can do right in the world. Who can inspire and motivate others. Who can spread kindness and wisdom to others. I want to be secure and comfortable enough within myself to be great with others and great in my relationships.

I wish goodness for all people out there however naive or cheesy it sounds I honestly wish everyone out there is doing alright and if they're aren't I hope it gets better.

I wish I can gain more confidence to be able to help others better. Here's to my wishing.

What im grateful for

I must say my post titled '23% complete' is one of my good posts, I don't know what's a bad post of mine (with no arrogance intended) maybe the posts where I'm not thinking enough or encouraging my readers to think more?

Anyhow I've been at placement for about a week now and I can honestly say I've learnt a lot. I've learnt practical skills but that's not what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about how grateful I am to be in a career where I can impact lives' daily, I sincerely hope I am helping others even in the smallest way.

I am grateful to be able to listen to others who have not been heard by society for a long time, those who are deemed as 'old' or 'forgotten' , I feel privileged to listen and provide comfort. I am grateful that I can aid others in their difficulties and make them feel better, because everyone needs to feel better sometimes.

I am grateful to be that someone who can make a difference when I had noone to make a difference in my life, I am grateful there are people who care.

Saturday, 4 February 2017

Sounds of silence

I was able to listen to someone's story of dealing with trauma. Someone who had lived through trauma. They didn't appear to have mental health issues infact they looked so sane so complete. So whole. But that was it, wasn't it? The icing on the cake noone has a set way of appearing or not appearing, they just are. They are not defined by their images, or personality, there's no need to be boxed in by typical patients just see people for who they are. Which are people.

For a long time they struggled until there was a time where they felt heard. They had been mute for some time but one day a nurse came along and sat with them, just sitting no intention of speaking, just close enough to be comforting. This one gesture was so comforting it envoked a burst of tears.

They said this was enough for them. The ordeal they had been through was so overwhelming it was hard to feel heard. What better way of being heard and understood but by being silent?

Now I can't imagine the amount of hardship they went through

It was honestly an amazing and gratifying experience to have spoken to someone who's so strong who's dealing with their issues instead of running away. (Like I had done) what I learnt was that listening like people are not to be boxed down. There's no way to listen. You just feel it, you put everything else aside and you sincerely be there in whatever form.

23% complete

I think im far too much of a dependent person. You know how some people are so dependent on others romantically that they become clingy and 'desperate' I think I'm like that. Not romantically, I don't have a love life...

I have friends. Normal ones. I feel the same way about them, I think I invest a lot of time and energy into friends I value, that's why it's destructive, I think I expect too much. Isn't that natural though? To give and expect? It's funny isn't it? When we think of human nature, so flawed, so weak. I get upset over things like my friends not asking after me, or even messaging to know if I'm still alive, but then we have God who gives but even when we don't pray to him (as an example) he stills helps us, still loves us, still blesses us.

Even as Muslims we don't expect God to give more and more just because we are obedient, there is no expectance of God to provide us with ultimate riches, good looks, spouses etc. Because our relationship with God is higher than that, better than that. I suppose if my friendships are less superficial, it wouldn't be like that. I will think this person doesn't care etc. But even then, I think I'm very flawed in the sense that I fall deeply for everyone. In my friendships, in love , in life. I'm just a disaster waiting to happen.

I will try change that. Work in progress I guess.


I was thinking about something. It came up when my teacher spoke about treatment for mental health patients. Some treatment like talk therapy including  discussing hypothetical situations for example what would you do if money was no object? Or what would you do if (your problem e.g. anxiety, insecurity, low confidence )wasn't a problem? The main focus of this was being able to discuss the fact there is hope. That this situation that the person is in, is not forever. Thats what is important, the ability to have hope that things could change given enough time, effort.

Just merely glancing into another reality or another dream brings you one step closer to being able to make it your reality. It would be slow of course, you try and attempt these wishes, slowly by slowly and make these dreams real. I was thinking how this doesn't even have to be treatment for someone who has a 'mental health' condition because for God's sake we all have mental health issues but not all of us are diagnosed.

I've just been thinking of a wonderful world of hope for myself, where I can be taken on a journey of self discovery and love. I think I'm going to compile a list of all the things I would do if I didn't need money and if I didn't have low self esteem, confidence, anxiety etc. I might even put it on here. Why don't you try it too? Maybe see all the things you're missing out on, then maybe you can have some hope too. Then we can stop day dreaming and wishing for more and start having more.


Sunday, 29 January 2017

Lessons from the Qur'an

So I went to a talk the other day and Nouman Ali Khan was there and he talked about humility. I found it interesting as I've always wanted to be someone with humility so I suppose this is about what I learnt from his talk.

Saturday, 28 January 2017

Mind processing

Lets take some time to delve into our thoughts, how do thoughts really work? When we think something it appears in our mind and just as soon as it appeared, it can disappear... fascinating isn't it?

The ugly grey thing in our heads.

Somehow not everyone has the same organisation, I might call it, in our heads. Those with mental health do not anyway. (Yes its that time again) they have a range of thought disorder from abnormal beliefs; delusions, grandiosity etc to disorganised thinking including going off topic and loosening of association this means they are more likely to talk about unrelated topics (or it may appear unrelated to you, but in their head it may have a connection) they are more likely to discuss things that are unrealistic (or it may appear to you) but what I find is when we look at it, we aren't really all that different. We just call it different things.

Split and the Mental Health perspective

My opinion of the film, 'split'. I suppose because I study mental health I'm overly critical I apologise if you're not in the mood for a critical response. I just want everyone to love people like I do, sorry! The film was good, I liked the intensity, the acting I think I liked pretty much everything except the ending I really wish the media didn't take mental health as another plot twist. I'm afraid people don't care enough, that's why I get annoyed. In all honesty I don't get annoyed often so I'm glad I have a reason to be passionate (other than Islam ofc)


Tuesday, 24 January 2017

Speaking Love Poetry

Hello readers, today I share some of my infamous love poetry (Yeah right) through spoken word (although its more like me just reading it). I hope to post more videos of my poetry, short stories and general discussion of books and poetry!

Sunday, 22 January 2017

Black Sheep

As I was sitting in class the other day, I was thinking how many of us think we are 'normal'?
How many of us think those with mental health conditions are in some way not normal?
You wouldn't be wrong, I mean by definition normal is c o n f o r m i n g , u s u a l , t y p i c a l , the most boring words I've ever heard in my life and I haven't been alive long (that's saying something). Normal is definitely not someone who has a mental health condition. They are not normal.

In fact they don't even think normally! Their thoughts are so different to someone who's normal,
in fact they are wild ; different ; intelligent
now the reason i say this is because they see the world differently, their logic is different. Its insightful sometimes to listen to someone who sees and hears different things (I'm not trying to glamorise mental health in any way) I suppose I like learning from them like they learn from me. 

 the shared norms and values we are socialised (or as I like to think of it, brainwashed) to believe in ultimately make us feel justified to feel superior to any other norm or value- and that folks is the reason why we find those who don't follow norms and values abnormal ergo mentally unwell people.

Now, I would like to tell you my friend, we are friends right? we've known eachother long enough so don't leave me hanging, most of us are unwell probably more often than we like to admit. (You're not kidding anybody, bill) So infact we are all pretending we follow these 'norms' when we don't even really, stuck in this contorted reality that makes us look down on others and stupidly ourselves aswell.

Let me break it down for you, mentally unwell people like those with Schizophrenia may not have had the same upbringing as someone from a stable background (parents, education etc.) that is why they may have difficulty inferring meanings or social expectations this can sometimes lead to them acting in a 'bizarre' way, for instance a question as simple as 'how is everything?' to you and I it might be asking how are you, youre family, your general living etc. but to someone who is mentally unwell their understanding may be anything from how is your hygiene to how the world is therefore they may break off into a tangent, but to be fair, I totally get where they are coming from, everything  is bloody vague , what kind of a question is that! and anyway I would like a more comprehensive answer, its refreshing once in a while, from the boring reserved British 'fine' or 'good, thanks'.

What it is, essentially, is a need for society to make themselves feel better, like they fit in, deep inside we are all worried we are not good enough or we are not normal. We are moral threats to society.
each and every one of us.

And who's in charge? Well you are. You are in charge of yourself. It starts with you, I suppose.

Good luck.

Thursday, 19 January 2017

I've been lying to you

It's a sad time. A very sad time. The truth is I've been lying to you.

I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me?

I don't even wanna say it but the reality is I'm not as despondent as I appear. I'm not even as weak as I make out to be. I underestimate myself so much I end up believing the lies. I'm sorry it came to this but the truth is I'm great. And the people I meet, yikes they're even greater, I've learnt so much from those around me, and it's time I start to make the most out of it. I could probably get through what I'm dealing with now a lot more easily if I didn't spoil myself so much.

See the thing is, I think we all get like this. We all forget how good we have it. (Not every case) some of us (like me) have no reason to be confused or sad, but we are, because we are faking our weaknesses (in our minds) so we need to stop and start being awesome. (Hey Barney Stinson)

Im so silly, anytime it's a little bit tough I say "you don't deserve this, princess, let's go, right now" and that's it. It's that stupid reasoning of me being treated like a gold member a VIP and in fact I'm not a VIP, hey let's not take it out of context, it's good to be VIP once in a while, but sometimes it's good to take the dirt, roll in it if you want, but take the damn dirt for once, stop saying 'im a princess' you'll never experience life if you live like a princess, and unfortunately life will always be hard, so you either suck it up now or forever be a pompous potatoe!

And trust me, noone wants to be a potatoe, especially not a pompous one!

Here's to not being pompous potatoes! (Let's raise a glass of water, here here)

And....That's a wrap folks.

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Survival of the fittest

How does one survive a 12hr shift you might ask? Well nurses do it everyday and they make it look easy (some do some don't) I'm compiling a list of how to get through the toughest days of my life. Maybe I'm exaggerating slightly I only find the mornings difficult but anyway, without further ado I present the toughest survival guide in history:

1) wear comfortable shoes. Don't try and look cute like me just wear the ugly shoes.

2) try out medical socks. I'm planning on buying these to see if they help. Other students swear by it, so we'll put it to the test!

3) be organised. Prepare outfit,lunch etc. the day before.

4)do things that you enjoy like reading, watching dramas etc. Be yourself I suppose. The reason I mention this is when we get all stressed out or under pressure we focus on that and forget the things we enjoy which does not help the situation!

5) talk to others in the same situation. Chat to them, cry about it and let it all out!

6) try and exercise all negativity away.

7) remember your goals and read inspirational quotes to keep you going. I like rocky balboas speech I think it has spunk.

8) please don't wake up so early. If you need half an hour you don't need to wake up 1 hour earlier, don't make your life longer than it has to be.

I don't have anymore. So I don't know if it's definite but the plan is to try and stick with university. I'm praying it goes well.

Sunday, 15 January 2017

A spiral of stairs

I've been thinking about the person I want to be, the person I'm not. The person I'll probably never be. And yes, I know my defeatist attitude isn't going to get me anywhere but neither is unrealistic ideas.

The reality is until I become my confident and have higher self esteem I am going to be this way for a long time. I'm working on it, I suppose, it's one of those things where you accept yourself and work with what you have until slowly by slowly you get a little more of yourself, it slowly unravels and then sooner or later you are whole again.

Why is it, that inorder to give up, move on or change direction in life you need some big great experience to make it justifiable to those around us? You don't have to have experienced something terrible like a death, you don't have to have worked yourself into the ground, you don't have to have lost who you are to want to leave. You can leave anytime you want, just make sure you do want to and you're not leaving in the moment.

I think giving up is great. It takes real courage to give up and acknowledge that this is not working and maybe a new chapter needs to be opened. But it is also courageous to keep going and try and see if it just needs time. I think both are courageous because they both take confidence in your decisions. They both need you to put your foot down and stop listening to others. Noone else lives your life for you, if only it were that simple, when people say "don't give up, it's only a few months" or "you need to work harder" if only you could say you live my life for me then, if it's that simple.

Ultimately the decision is your own so regardless of who is saying it to you you need to be confident in what you think and what you say. It never is simple. Because as much as someone wants to continue or not continue, the way the person is, their mentality, their priorities will always override how able they are to carry out their decisions.

I prioritise my sanity, more often than not I feel a little bit insane. I'm using this word loosely because I know it's associated with mental health but in all honesty I think everyone is insane. So carry on with your judgements or sneering if you wish.

I don't know if anyone has ever been so confused. In the middle of two paths. Maybe a president or a politician, seems like a very accurate comparison.

Well anyway, I am off.


Saturday, 14 January 2017

Yellow brick road

As long as I have you, I think I'll be okay. I really mean that.

      I found this study online thats looking for participants, and I was thinking why don't I partake? It seems quite interesting to be honest and you get paid in vouchers. Thats totally unrelated but anyway I think sometimes its easy to think, that when you're old, or 'older' you should automatically know what you are going to do, in fact I think it is the most scariest thing leaving everything you know, leaving all stability, and what do you know, I went and done that. I left stability because I think theres something better for me out there, somewhere, I hope.

I certainly thought, maybe I still do, deep down that having a career, or a job is the next step of being an adult, its the token of being an adult, like youre finally moving down the yellow brick road to destiny. Then comes marriage and the baby in the carriage (yeah right!) but in all seriousness I think sometimes, we forget that the notion of stability doesnt come from a career or a social expectation in society, it comes from within ourselves and our conviction in God. Ive been thinking about this and realising this too.

I think for the most part, I'm confused, but content, and trying to get closer to God.

Saturday, 7 January 2017

Back here again

So this decision I have come to, it scares the hell out of me. I am not going to pretend I am sure about the future, because I am not. I am terrified of what I am going to do next, I just know I cant stay where I am because the hours are too demanding, and quite frankly I miss a part of myself I think I left behind. I need to combine my love for helping others with my love for Deen, and perhaps the route I was taking made me neglectful of my faith.

But even then, these words seem silly. I am just once again, at crossroads.

Long ago

(This post was meant to be published in September 2016)

I know I have not been writing I think I've been preoccupied with watching Daria. I was going to attempt to say I have lots of work but I haven't so I'm not even going to go there! Or if I do it doesn't feel like it!
Anyway I have been the worst when it comes to looking decent in university. I wake up and I just wear anything sometimes I'll wear the same scarf like twice (which is no biggie except when you are wearing the exact same outfit every day, the scarf should atleast change right? Well appears not for me!)
I don't know its not like I feel unhappy I don't dress up I kind of just think I should at least make minimal effort. I mean it's good in a way I can go without makeup and nice outfits. It's good to be on the other side sometimes, make myself feel a little bit more normal.
I've been reading a lot more not really related to my outfit because I always have enough time to dress up in the morning anyway. Plus I read to and from university
I think my point is, as unusual as it is for me, considering the time i was crazy about dressing up a lot, its good to not care about our appearance sometimes. Its good to focus on other parts of ourselves(like our brain?).
Its also good to keep in touch with a more deeper side of ourself.