Saturday, 4 February 2017

Sounds of silence

I was able to listen to someone's story of dealing with trauma. Someone who had lived through trauma. They didn't appear to have mental health issues infact they looked so sane so complete. So whole. But that was it, wasn't it? The icing on the cake noone has a set way of appearing or not appearing, they just are. They are not defined by their images, or personality, there's no need to be boxed in by typical patients just see people for who they are. Which are people.

For a long time they struggled until there was a time where they felt heard. They had been mute for some time but one day a nurse came along and sat with them, just sitting no intention of speaking, just close enough to be comforting. This one gesture was so comforting it envoked a burst of tears.

They said this was enough for them. The ordeal they had been through was so overwhelming it was hard to feel heard. What better way of being heard and understood but by being silent?

Now I can't imagine the amount of hardship they went through

It was honestly an amazing and gratifying experience to have spoken to someone who's so strong who's dealing with their issues instead of running away. (Like I had done) what I learnt was that listening like people are not to be boxed down. There's no way to listen. You just feel it, you put everything else aside and you sincerely be there in whatever form.

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I think im far too much of a dependent person. You know how some people are so dependent on others romantically that they become clingy and 'desperate' I think I'm like that. Not romantically, I don't have a love life...

I have friends. Normal ones. I feel the same way about them, I think I invest a lot of time and energy into friends I value, that's why it's destructive, I think I expect too much. Isn't that natural though? To give and expect? It's funny isn't it? When we think of human nature, so flawed, so weak. I get upset over things like my friends not asking after me, or even messaging to know if I'm still alive, but then we have God who gives but even when we don't pray to him (as an example) he stills helps us, still loves us, still blesses us.

Even as Muslims we don't expect God to give more and more just because we are obedient, there is no expectance of God to provide us with ultimate riches, good looks, spouses etc. Because our relationship with God is higher than that, better than that. I suppose if my friendships are less superficial, it wouldn't be like that. I will think this person doesn't care etc. But even then, I think I'm very flawed in the sense that I fall deeply for everyone. In my friendships, in love , in life. I'm just a disaster waiting to happen.

I will try change that. Work in progress I guess.

Daydreams

I was thinking about something. It came up when my teacher spoke about treatment for mental health patients. Some treatment like talk therapy including  discussing hypothetical situations for example what would you do if money was no object? Or what would you do if (your problem e.g. anxiety, insecurity, low confidence )wasn't a problem? The main focus of this was being able to discuss the fact there is hope. That this situation that the person is in, is not forever. Thats what is important, the ability to have hope that things could change given enough time, effort.

Just merely glancing into another reality or another dream brings you one step closer to being able to make it your reality. It would be slow of course, you try and attempt these wishes, slowly by slowly and make these dreams real. I was thinking how this doesn't even have to be treatment for someone who has a 'mental health' condition because for God's sake we all have mental health issues but not all of us are diagnosed.

I've just been thinking of a wonderful world of hope for myself, where I can be taken on a journey of self discovery and love. I think I'm going to compile a list of all the things I would do if I didn't need money and if I didn't have low self esteem, confidence, anxiety etc. I might even put it on here. Why don't you try it too? Maybe see all the things you're missing out on, then maybe you can have some hope too. Then we can stop day dreaming and wishing for more and start having more.

Wasalaam